Monday, September 29, 2008

No News is Good News

I'm 11 days post ovulation and I've been having minor cramps for the past few days, but AF hasn't shown up yet. I figure as long as she isn't here, I can still hope. Although, I seem to be having a hard time keeping up my spirits. This whole process is such a rollercoaster, because one minute I could swear I am pregnant and the next minute I am positive AF is about to show her ugly face. I am currently in the "positive that AF is about to show her ugly face" stage. I guess I am just too tired of disappointment to think that there is a chance this cycle. One thing I can be grateful for is that I am at the end of the cycle and I will have an answer in a couple of days. Being at the end of the cycle is also welcome, because it puts me so much closer to being able to start round 2 of Clomid. While I don't look forward to the hotflashes, I am excited about the prospect of ovulating earlier in my cycle. I think we can all agree that ovulating on CD36 is not good. So much for going au naturale.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Mother Nature is Cruel

Is it just me or does anyone else find it rather cruel that the same symptoms brought on by early pregnancy can be identical to the symptoms of menstruation?!? It seems like a mean trick to get your hopes up. I've been fooled so many times that I've become a cynic. Here I am, 7 days post ovulation, with painfully sore breasts, a constant need to pee, and a high, soft cervix and I don't know what to believe. Is this the real thing at last? Is this all in my head and I'm about to get a visit from good ol' Aunt Flo? I have no idea and I don't want to get my hopes up, just to have them dashed...again. Why can't there be a clear sign from day 1? Why must we endure this 2 week limbo? I sit and stare at the pregnancy test sitting on the counter in my bathroom. I'm too scared to take it, because for one brief moment I get to enjoy thinking that I am pregnant. I just know that if I pee on that stick, its single line result is going to crush my heart...again. So, I sit and wait. I cross off each day on the calendar, inching closer and closer to D-Day, Determination Day. Of course, D-Day is relative. Aunt Flo certainly can't be counted on to be on time. No, no, that would be kind. She is devious and takes pleasure in leading you on, then quickly snatching away that ray of hope. One of these times, I am going to watch that result window on that little stick and see not one, but two lines appear and I will exclaim in a victorious shout, "DEATH TO AUNT FLO!!!!" Well, for nine months, at least. I can dream, can't I?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Crosshairs!

I finally got crosshairs on my Fertility Friend chart that show that I did, indeed, ovulate! YAY! It's too bad that it was so late into the cycle, but I'm relieved that my body is working, even if it isn't working perfectly. B is already asking me, "Do you think you are pregnant? Do you feel pregnant?" Talk about pressure! I have to explain to him that you don't know the day after you O if you conceived or not and that it takes at least 2 weeks to know for sure. I'm afraid he's getting his hopes up. He usually isn't like this. I don't know what's gotten into him!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Late, But Not Out of the Running

Yesterday and today I have had TONS of EWCM!!! I realize that I am on CD35 and it is really, really, really late in my cycle to be ovulating, but I am still really excited. I'm so happy that my body is working and that I have good CM. In recent times, even when I do O, I haven't had enough CM to help the little guys get up there. So, even though I'm O'ing really late, I'm so grateful that I'm O'ing at all and that there is still a chance for this cycle.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Does my infertility scare you?

My BBC friends and I often encounter people who don't know how to talk to us after they find out that we are dealing with infertility. They want to ask how we are doing, if we have made any progress, if we are finally pregnant, but don't know how. For those of you that fall into this tongue-tied category, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...we just love knowing that you care! You aren't always going to know how to word things and we aren't always going to take things the best possible way, but at the end of the day we appreciate you asking. Please, just overlook our hormotional fits and know that once we have calmed down, we will appreciate you going out of your way to check in on us.

This brings me to those that are already pregnant and don't know how to talk to us. First off, we appreciate your sensitivity. That being said, the worst thing you can do is complain about your pregnancy, about getting fat, about that foot in your ribs, about your bladder being used as a soccer ball. We do love, however, to hear how much you are enjoying it, how excited you are to find out the gender, how beautiful you think the sound of the heartbeat is. We will be nothing but happy for you, because we will then know that you really appreciate such a wonderful blessing.

If you are pregnant and have a friend or family member who is dealing with infertility, you may be wondering how to go about telling them your good news. The best thing you can do is tell them yourself. Don't let them find out through someone else. Of course, although we will be happy for you, we will be a little jealous. You have to expect that, given how badly we want to be pregnant ourselves. Though we will be envious, our love for you and desire for your happiness will far outweigh that jealousy.

I hope that this has been helpful to you. Please don't be scared of us! We aren't contagious! ; )

O, is that you?

I'm on CD33 and I think I am finally ovulating. I'm surprised that my system is working at all this cycle, but relieved. I'm waiting for the temperature spike to confirm that O has come, so I'll post about it when/if that happens.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Can Pregnancy Be Contagious?

As I am settling into this new area and new chapter of my life, I am slowly, but surely, making friends. The thing about that is, it seems like about 75% of them are pregnant. On top of that, one by one the girls in my BBC group are getting pregnant. I love seeing them each announce their little blessings and it gives me hope that we could be right behind them. Since I seem to be surrounded by pregnant women, I am hoping it is contagious and I will catch the bug. Now, if I could just get my body to work properly.

To date, I am on CD29 and O is still nowhere in sight. *TMI AHEAD- Look away if you don't want to know* My CM has consistently been watery since about CD18. It went away a couple of days ago, but seems to be back now. Each day that I have the watery fluid, it is accompanied by bits of EGCM. I don't know what any of this means anymore. I think I am reading too much into everything. For example, my thermometer started giving me flat readings (multiple days of the exact same temperature), so I got a new battery, which didn't fit, so I wound up just exchanging the pack of batteries for a new thermometer. Anyway, the new thermometer is giving me much lower readings. My normal basel body temperature pre-ovulation is usually around 96 degrees and around 97-98 post-ovulation. This was my first morning with my new thermometer and it said that my temp. was 95.6. Is this a dip or is it always going to read lower than my old thermometer? I almost want to stop temping for the rest of this cycle and go ahead and start on the Norethindrone so that I can jump to my new cycle and start fresh. I would love to be able to ignore any possible insurance problems that could bring if we did get pregnant, so I am seriously debating on which day I should start taking it. My plan for this next cycle is that I am going to go back to using ovulation tests, which B made me stop doing a while ago, because they weren't working. My solution to this problem is that I am going to do what a few of the girls in my group do. I will use the regular ones and when I think it is positive, I will use a digital one to verify. I need the clarity that comes from these, but will have to use them sparingly since they are so expensive. With this new gameplan, I am more anxious than ever to start the next round of Clomid. Pregnancy, here I come!!!

Monday, September 8, 2008

My Calendar

I am now on cycle day 26 and I still haven't ovulated!!! I think I must be more stressed out this cycle than I realized. My body is fighting me on this. I tell it, "Ovulate NOW, or else!" and it says, "You're not the boss of me! I'll do it when I'm good and ready!" (Yes, those are the voices in my head. lol) I have all but given up on this cycle. If I'm not going to ovulate on my own this cycle, I'll have to wait for next cycle. I've decided that if I don't O before September 25th (that would be a really, really, really, really, really late O), that is the day I will start taking Norethindrone to start my next cycle. The reason I am giving myself so long is because that we have new insurance starting on Oct. 1st and I want to cover all my bases, in case I do get pregnant next cycle. I want to make sure that it would all fall into our calendar of coverage, so there won't be any question of whether the pregnancy would be covered or not. Just watch, though. Because of me planning it like this, I won't get pregnant next cycle and I will have wasted all of September. I know that sounds really pessimistic, but I'm not feeling particularly optimistic with the way my body is working right now.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Where is O?

I'm starting to wonder if I will ever O this cycle. Last cycle I O'd without the Clomid on day 18, but here I am on day 21 with nothing. My temperature has stayed pretty low and my cervical fluid is pretty creamy/watery. It's not the egg-white that it should be if I'm going to ovulate any time soon. Oh well. There's nothing I can do to make me ovulate this cycle. I do have my Norethindrone to bring on my next cycle, but I was so hoping that I wouldn't have to use it. At least I have my next two rounds of Clomid waiting for me. I think I'm just feeling a bit down today and the fact that I haven't ovulated yet just isn't helping.

Monday, September 1, 2008

The Birthday Party

Since the move, I have not had any real opportunities to make friends, especially since I am not working outside of the home anymore. Therefore, I rely on B and his friends from work. He has one friend in particular, whom he has known for a few years and was instrumental in B getting his new job. Anyway, this friend has a daughter that just turned 2, so they invited us to her birthday party on Saturday. I've heard a lot about him and his family, but this was my first time to meet them. They are a wonderful family. They have three kids, a little girl in kindergarten, a little boy who must be around 4, and the baby, a beautiful little 2 year old with Downs Syndrome. I haven't been in contact with many people that are mentally challenged, and one of my biggest fears is that I will have a mentally challenged child and not know how to care for them or if I even could handle the challenge of that. I watched this little girl, who is about the size of a 1 year old, scoot around on her rear end and just smile at everyone she saw. I have never in my life seen such a happy child. She was an absolute social butterfly. One look from her and your heart melted and you just wanted to hold her and cuddle. When she smiled, her whole face lit up and she crinkled her little nose. It was adorable. I sat and talked with her mom for a little while. She is a remarkable woman. She loves her children so much and it shows in the way she looks at them and talks about them. As they were helping the little one to open her presents, I sat there thinking about my fear. As I sat there, I had an epiphany. I realized that I can't control what challenges my child will have, but that I will love them just the same. It's not really a matter of being able to handle it, because it's not about that at all. It's not about me. It's about the child. I know that I will love that child no matter what. I will love that child more than my own life, more than anything I can comprehend. Realizing this has given me peace. I've always said that I will accept whatever the Lord gives me, but now I know that I truly mean it. I think that all children are special, but those that are mentally or physically impaired are extra special and those who are asked to care for them in this life are being entrusted with a treasure. The Lord must have a lot of faith in you if he asks you take care of and love one of these special spirits. I have so much respect and admiration for such families.
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