Friday, October 31, 2008

This is not a costume.

If I am walking around like a zombie today, it's not because that is my costume for Halloween. It's because I can't shake this constant need for sleep! UGH! Sorry for the short posts, but that's about all I have the energy for.

Oh, Happy Halloween, by the way.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

10DPO

No change and I want to take a nap.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Exhausted

I have been so exhausted since Sunday. I don't know what's causing it, but I could fall asleep on my keyboard right now. I wound up taking a nap on Sunday and Monday (which is completely out of the norm for me) and forced myself to stay awake during the day yesterday, only to fall asleep at 8pm. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a complete night owl. I don't do mornings and I don't do early bedtimes. B thinks there's something wrong with me and keeps telling me to go to the doctor. I'm going to assume this is from PMS or something, so I don't get my hopes up, because I'm already driving myself insane from reading into every little symptom. So, as of right now, my cramps seem to be gone, as well as my people skills (not in a very social mood lately), I'm constantly exhausted, wanting nothing more than to take a nap, I am having a lot of creamy/watery CM, my breasts feel like someone used them as punching bags, and I'm only 9DPO. The only symptoms that are abnormal are the cramps, the excessive CM, and the exhaustion. The rest just tells me that AF is on her way.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Ouch! *Yawn*

I'm 7DPO and I'm still having cramps and my breasts are very tender, but, to top it off, now I am exhausted, too. I feel like I've been in a fog all day. My BBT went down today, as well. I'm praying that AF stays away, even though it feels like she is getting ready to pounce.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

No Such Thing as Normal

Every time I make a comment about something to do with my cycle being abnormal, B quickly reminds me that there is nothing normal about any of my cycles. Today is 6DPO and yesterday and today I have been having very minor cramping, almost like AF is coming. I have no idea what is going on. It is way too early for AF to show up. My LP is usually 12-14 days, so if she is almost here that will be my shortest LP in history. My breasts finally became tender today, which is late. They usually hurt at 1DPO, but the Clomid did this to me last time too, so I'm not too worried about it. Why can't I be one of those girls whose 28 day cycle runs like clockwork?

Friday, October 24, 2008

A Whole New Language, A Whole New World

I never expected to be in this position, dealing with infertility. I, also, never realized there were so many other women dealing with the same thing. I joined my group of gals from Babycenter.com in May and since then I have learned so much. Not only have I learned about different types of infertility and treatment, I have also learned a whole new language (hence the list of abbreviations on my sidebar). It took me a little while to decode their posts, but after a while I got the hang of it. It could even be considered an entire subculture, these women who share details of menstruation and ovulation, BDing and medications. In this new realm, there is no such thing as TMI. Everyone accepts every icky bit of information you have to share. They listen, analyze it, then offer their own story or advice. I now know who tends to deal with which symptoms before their new cycle starts, what range of temperatures are normal for which women, and, of course, the back story of each of these brave women. They have all banded together, as women do, to support, encourage and uplift one another. It is an amazing thing, the strength gained from such comradery.

I'm not Pessimistic, Just Realistic

Sometimes you just know when something is going to work or not. Intuition is very important and a woman's intuition is usually right. While my temperature is going back up, I don't have my usual post-O symptoms, which lead me to believe that my progesterone is too low this cycle, which will probably result in a BFN. I think that I am saving myself a lot of stress, anxiety, and heart-ache by accepting this early that this cycle is most likely a bust. Surprisingly, I'm okay with that. It would be much harder for me to accept if I had been so positive that I was pregnant and suddenly realized I wasn't. This doesn't mean that I don't think it will ever happen for us. It just means that I don't expect anything to come of this cycle.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Cover Line Confusion

I should be 2DPO today, but my BTT, which was up to 97F yesterday, was only 96.3F today. My BTTs are generally low, but it's not normal for it to drop so much after O. I feel certain that I did, in fact, O two days ago, because since then my EWCM has been gone and my breasts are starting to be tender and ache a bit. That's always been my signal in the past that O occurred. I'm also having a bit of pelvic pain. This happened to me on my first round of Clomid, but this time it is less painful than it was before. It just feels like my uterus is swollen and tender, making my pelvis tender to the touch. It also feels like my ovaries are cramping. My Dr. told me before that this is because the Clomid is working. It is forcing my ovaries to work. I'm not too worried about it, because I know it will pass quickly, like before. What has me so confused is my BTT. I'm curious to see what FF sets my coverline at or if they will make my O date later. I think tomorrow will tell all.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Infamous 2WW

Agony, pure agony. That's what I have to look forward to over the next two weeks as I wait to see if I'm pregnant or Aunt Flo will visit. My BTT jumped up this morning, so that tells me that I did, in fact, O yesterday. YAY! I O'd on CD18!!! That definitely beats last cycle's O on CD36. Anyway, I now need to focus on taking my temperature every morning and not read into every little twinge and resist the urge to POAS. Two weeks, that's it. I just have to survive fourteen days. That's doable.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Oing on Time

I am so glad that I was able to start taking the Clomid again, finally. It definitely seems to be working and the side effects haven't been too bad. The first time I took it, it seemed to dry me out really bad when I O'd, but this time that doesn't seem to be an issue. I have been taking my Evening Primrose Oil every day, so that may be helping, but I took that the first time, too. Anyway, I've had EWCM for the past three days, so I'm probably Oing today. I haven't taken an OPK yet today, but I've gotten a negative result for the past two days. I'll take one this afternoon. My temperature dipped this morning, so that is a good sign. The one side effect that I'm experiencing, and didn't expect, is painful BDing. I'm assuming it's from the Clomid, because I don't know what else could be causing it. Oh, the things we do to have a baby!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Learning How to Use OPKs

Is it just me or are OPK's just completely confusing? Why can't they be as simple as HPT's?!? Luckily, Walgreens understands just how complicated they can be and included some tips on how to get more accurate results on their information/instruction sheet included with the tests. Aren't they thoughtful? Anyway, here is what they said:

"For best results, perform the test at about the same time each day, between 10am and 8pm. Some women have found that their best urine sample is after 12 noon.

Reduce your liquid intake and do not urinate for at least 4 hours before you collect your urine. First morning urine may be an acceptable option for women who find it difficult to do a 4-hour hold."

I've heard such varying instructions for performing these tests that it was a huge help to see this in black and white. I hope this helps clarify it for you, too.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Time for OPK's

I bought my OPK's today. We'll see if they work. I have never been able to get a positive result with these before, so I'm skeptical. Am I doing something wrong? Is there some trick to these things that I don't know about? Would it be better if I pee'd in a cup or right on the stick? I just don't know. Every time I buy them, I read the instructions and faithfully follow their directions, but I still always get a negative. When I O on my own I go by my cervical position and cervical fluid, but this Clomid is drying me out, so I'm going to have to rely on these things. I'm just praying they work this time, that we can time our BDing perfectly, and that we will get our BFP.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

CD11

The hot flashes have arrived, but not in full force, thank goodness. I started having them on Saturday, but I've only had a few and they haven't lasted as long. Well, I don't feel like I'm about to O, so it will probably be sometime next week. I was so sure that I would O around CD14, but I'm definitely having doubts. I am taking Evening Primrose Oil every day with my vitamins, so hopefully that will help me out when the time comes.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

CD7

I took my third dose of Clomid this morning. So far, the only side effect I've felt is dizziness. I had it with my first round as well and I remember it lasting well into the cycle. I'm really surprised that I haven't had any hot flashes (I'm probably jinxing myself by saying that), since my dosage was doubled. Hopefully, the Clomid will play nice this time around. I have a good feeling about this cycle. I'm not expecting my BFP, but I think my body is going to respond well to the medicine. From the looks of things, I think I'm going to O pretty early. Late O is a big problem for me, so I am really grateful to be taking the Clomid. Keep your fingers crossed that it does its job!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Round 2 of Clomid

I started taking my Clomid yesterday, so I have taken 2 doses so far and, luckily, there haven't been any side effects yet. Notice the use of the word yet, as I am sure they will be here at any moment.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Adios, Au Naturale!

Now that the drama has passed, I can look forward to this cycle. As you recall, I did one round of Clomid at 50mg 3 cycles ago. I did O, but rather late. My doctor upped my dosage to 100mg, but I have not been able to give it a try, because of moving and travel. Therefore, I had 2 cycles of au naturale ovulation. That brings us up to date. I am currently on CD4, which means that I get to start taking the Clomid TOMORROW!!!! This not being my first rodeo, I am bracing myself for the horrifying hot flashes, hormotional fits and everthing else that goes along with this drug. I've also decided to go ahead with my plan to use OPK's again. I think it is a good idea for me to use them, because my main way of knowing if I'm Oing is through EWCM, which Clomid has a tendency to dry up. I have also prepared for that side effect by purchasing some Pre-Seed. I always feel better when I have a plan. I'm not too much of a control freak, but it does freak me out to not have ANY control. Before all of this, I never knew that getting pregnant was one of those things I, personally, could not control, so it puts my mind at ease to know that I can control some aspects of this process.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Drama, Drama, Drama...

Warning: If you have a weak stomach, turn back now!

It all started when I woke up this morning, late, of course. I felt really groggy, but not really bad yet. I laid in bed for a while, trying to wake myself up, when I felt this sudden gush and cramping. I ran to the bathroom (big mistake) where I found that I was bleeding profusely. Normally, AF is really light to somewhat medium, with minor cramping. Sorry for the TMI, but it looked like the scene of a murder. I was starting to cramp pretty bad and I guess the combination of me running to the bathroom and seeing all the blood (I have a pretty weak stomach although AF doesn't usually bother me), along with the cramping all caused me to get really lightheaded and dizzy. I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or be sick. Anyway, I took care of business as quickly as I could and went back to bed to wait for the dizziness to pass. It just didn't feel right, so I called DH. I told him what was going on and how I was still faint and nauseous. He got really worried (which is out of character) and said he would be home ASAP. I called my mom to ask what I should do, but wound up having to hang up on her, b/c I started to black out. I forced myself to get up and go to the bathroom, but as soon as I got in there I lost it. I grabbed the towel bar to catch myself, but wound up taking it down with me. I didn't hurt myself, but I did wake up on the floor. I was writhing in pain that was so intense I couldn't move anything and my hands were numb, with my feet starting to tingle too. I had broken out into a cold sweat (the kind that soaks your shirt) and I was trembling. I wound up blacking out again (I have no idea how long I was out, but it must have been a while) and woke up to DH holding my hand while talking to the 911 operator. Suddenly the EMTs were there and took me to the hospital. 2 IV bags and lots of tests later, the nausea was gone and the dizziness was minor, but the Dr's had no idea what it was. The beta for HCG came back 0, so I am relieved that I didn't have another miscarriage. They did found a tiny fibroid in my uterus, but said it was nothing. They just termed the incident Irregular Vaginal Bleeding. So no explanation for the whole thing, but AF certainly made a dramatic appearance. I am finally feeling better and the bleeding has practically stopped, just some light spotting.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

6 Years

In welcoming October, I am welcoming an anniversary. It's not a first date or wedding anniversary or anything like that. This anniversary reminds us of just how long we have been on this journey. When we got married in July of 2002, our plan was to wait until October to start trying to get pregnant, because we wanted to be married for a year before we had a baby. That October we threw out our contraceptives and started on the path to parenthood. We've encountered several roadblocks and emotional rollercoasters, but have made little progress. After six years, I can officially say that I am tired. I am tired of putting pressure on B... and myself. I am tired of this unending circle of emotions, going from hopeful, to excited, to disappointed, to depressed and back around again, and again, and again. I am tired of the questions from those who don't know what we are going through. I am tired of the looks of pity and empty encouragement from those that do know what we are dealing with. I am tired of hearing the same things over and over again: "If you just relax, it will happen." "When it's supposed to happen, it will." "If you go ahead and adopt, you will wind up pregnant." "You can borrow my kids any time you want!" The list just keeps going. I'm tired of watching B play peek-a-boo with other people's kids. I am tired of looking down at my (somewhat) flat stomach and wishing there were a little life stirring in there. I am tired of putting in so much effort with nothing to show for it. I wake up at 6:00 every morning to take my temperature. I fill out my chart, noting the temperature, cervical mucus, cervical position, vaginal sensation, exactly how I'm feeling, my energy level. Then I have to try to make sense of it all and determine what day to have intercourse on, what day is my peak day, how many days post ovulation I am. I am tired of being fooled. Post ovulation, I have to experience every symptom and sensation of early pregnancy, only to find out that it was really just a bad case of PMS. I am just so tired!!!! I pray that this is the last anniversary of trying to conceive that we have to un-celebrate.
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