Resentment and jealousy come so naturally when other people can so easily attain what you've been after for so long. It's been such a struggle for me to overcome those emotions. At the beginning of this obstacle course, I used to envy every woman I saw that had a child or a preggo belly. I'd think to myself, "It should be ME carrying a child. It should be ME preparing to give birth." Any time I found out that someone else close to me was pregnant, I would lie on my bed and sob. B's attempts to comfort me were in vain and I could see how sad I was making him. He would often ask me "Am I not enough? Could you not be happy if it were just you and me?" I didn't know how to answer him. My apparent dissatisfaction hurt him and it was hurting me as well. It even affected my relationships with my sisters. They never wanted to tell me when they were pregnant, so I was always the last to know and I usually found out from my mom. I knew I needed to change my attitude, be happy with my lot in life, and come to terms with the fact that I may never be a mother, but it was much easier said than done. I don't know when it happened exactly or how I changed, but I did. It may have been a simple matter of time healing all wounds. It may have been the fact that I started to tell myself that I was happy for others. It may have been the change I made in counting my blessings and trying not to focus on what I didn't have. Regardless of how it happened, I am just grateful that it did. My heart is truly full when I tell you how happy I am for my little sister giving birth the day before yesterday and that one of my best friends is going to have her first baby in a few weeks. Instead of wishing I were in their places, I wish I were going through it with them. I do still long for parenthood, but until that day comes, I can be happy for other people and I am.
On a side note, I still don't have very much cramping, but there is some there and I did start spotting this morning. So, on the morrow I expect to be welcoming Aunt Flo back, but I won't be too disappointed to see her, since her arrival marks another chance for us to try. I also plan to go back to charting this next cycle and will resume taking my dong quai (I missed this last cycle. Oops!)