Monday, August 31, 2009

Reduced to Tears!

So many people have told me that my recent blog posts brought them to tears. Actually, my recent blog posts have brought me to tears, too, but not for the reason that you think. My tears have been more therapeutic than anything. This blog was intended to document our journey toward parenthood and to let the others out there going through similar experiences know that they are not alone. What I didn't expect was that this would become such an outlet for me and that it would help others who have not experienced infertility to understand what we are going through.

I always tell B that this is my free therapy. I'm not very good at communicating my feelings. I have a really hard time saying how I feel. It's like the words just get jumbled up on their way from my head to my mouth. But, when I put pen to paper, so to speak, the words seem to flow freely and I'm able to release all those pent-up emotions.

I have to admit that I'm surprised at the reactions I've gotten from those that read this blog. I never expected to reach anyone, to touch the hearts of those that have not had to bear such a trial, to help others like me, to become a resource for others. I am surprised that all of that has happened, but very, very grateful for it, too. I pray that I may be able to continue to help others on both sides of this plight, those that are going through it and those that simply care about it.

As for where I stand today, it is CD6 and AF has finally flown the coop. I am still taking the Dong Quai and have resumed charting, minus the BBT. We moved at the beginning of the month and I have yet to locate my thermometer to be able to temp, so until it turns up, I'm just going to be charting my symptoms without my BBT.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Hello, Aunt Flo

She's back, but she's not being too hard on me this time, at least. Either way, I never enjoy her arrival. It kind of reminds me of that song "Hello Mr. Heartache" by the Dixie Chicks. So, for your viewing pleasure, here is my version of that song, retitled "Hello Dear Old Aunt Flo":

Hello, dear old Aunt Flo. I've been expecting you.
Come in and wear your welcome out, the way you always do.
You never say if you're here to stay, or only passing through.
So, hello dear old Aunt Flo. I've been expecting you.

Just when I get my hopes up high that there's a baby on the way,
You send me loads of cramps before you show your ugly face.
My LP never lasts longer than fourteen days at best
It's day sixteen and you show up just before I take the test.

So, hello dear old Aunt Flo. I've been expecting you.
Come in and wear your welcome out, the way you always do.
You never say if you're here to stay, or only passing through.
So, hello dear old Aunt Flo. I've been expecting you.

I wish that I could tell you bye for a nine month vacation,
But here you are month after month to spoil all of my plans.
I want to trade my pads out for a lovely bassinet,
Instead I get to trade it out for just another pad.

So, hello dear old Aunt Flo. I've been expecting you.
Come in and wear your welcome out, the way you always do.
You never say if you're here to stay or only passing through.
So, hello dear old Aunt Flo. I've been expecting you.

I've been expecting you.
Yes, I have been dreading you.
But, I've been expecting you.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I CAN be happy for other people.

Resentment and jealousy come so naturally when other people can so easily attain what you've been after for so long. It's been such a struggle for me to overcome those emotions. At the beginning of this obstacle course, I used to envy every woman I saw that had a child or a preggo belly. I'd think to myself, "It should be ME carrying a child. It should be ME preparing to give birth." Any time I found out that someone else close to me was pregnant, I would lie on my bed and sob. B's attempts to comfort me were in vain and I could see how sad I was making him. He would often ask me "Am I not enough? Could you not be happy if it were just you and me?" I didn't know how to answer him. My apparent dissatisfaction hurt him and it was hurting me as well. It even affected my relationships with my sisters. They never wanted to tell me when they were pregnant, so I was always the last to know and I usually found out from my mom. I knew I needed to change my attitude, be happy with my lot in life, and come to terms with the fact that I may never be a mother, but it was much easier said than done. I don't know when it happened exactly or how I changed, but I did. It may have been a simple matter of time healing all wounds. It may have been the fact that I started to tell myself that I was happy for others. It may have been the change I made in counting my blessings and trying not to focus on what I didn't have. Regardless of how it happened, I am just grateful that it did. My heart is truly full when I tell you how happy I am for my little sister giving birth the day before yesterday and that one of my best friends is going to have her first baby in a few weeks. Instead of wishing I were in their places, I wish I were going through it with them. I do still long for parenthood, but until that day comes, I can be happy for other people and I am.

On a side note, I still don't have very much cramping, but there is some there and I did start spotting this morning. So, on the morrow I expect to be welcoming Aunt Flo back, but I won't be too disappointed to see her, since her arrival marks another chance for us to try. I also plan to go back to charting this next cycle and will resume taking my dong quai (I missed this last cycle. Oops!)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

One of Those Days...

To all of my faithful readers (aka: my mom), I apologize for my inconsistency in posting. I'm blaming it on, well, life in general. It is definitely a roller coaster and just as soon as you finally make it over that big hill, there's another one looming ahead. Such is my life. However, now that I find myself in the valley again, I am taking a moment to breathe, relax, and try to clear my mind of stress.

So, I guess I should update you on where we are right now. B and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary in July. We just moved into a cute little townhome at the beginning of this month. B had his gallbladder removed over a week ago. I have a new niece that was born yesterday. My friends are one by one getting pregnant and having babies. I'm constantly busy making baby afghans for everyone else. And, the world keeps on turning... We took a short break from TTC for the month of July, but are back in that boat again. I am still not back to charting, but I know that I'm on CD 41 and am expecting AF any minute now. I'm not exactly sure what day I O'd, but am pretty sure it was on about CD 25, which would make me about 2 days late for AF. Since I am unsure of the actual date of O and I O'd so late, I'm not getting my hopes up for anything more than a few extra days to relax before AF's arrival. I'm not having any spotting, but I started having the first twinges of cramps the day before yesterday. I figure, I'll just give her a few more days to take her time and if she hasn't arrived by this weekend, then I'll test.

As I look at the calendar in front of me, I see October steadily coming closer. October will mark 7 years since we started TTC. Has it only been 7 years? It feels like much longer, something more along the lines of an eternity! I'm sure every couple going through this would agree that while time speeds by, when you look back at those barren years, it seems like it has been dragging. Sometimes I catch myself looking back and imagining what life would have been like had we not suffered miscarriages, if we had been able to have the children. What would it have been like to wake up in the middle of the night to feed my baby? How would I have handled his/her first illness? Would I have been driven crazy by crying babies and dirty diapers? What would it have felt like to rock my child to sleep? To sing "You are My Sunshine" like my dad did for me? Would my home look very different with toys scattered everywhere and pictures of my children on the walls? What would it have felt like to see B asleep on the couch with our baby snuggled against him, lying on his chest? Life would certainly have been different, entirely different. I would be different. B would be different. I look back with sadness that I haven't been able to experience that alternate life, but then I remind myself of all of the wonderful experiences I have had, the things B and I have gotten to do that we wouldn't have been able to do otherwise, the hardships we've had to endure that would have been so much harder with a child to take care of, and I know that I am the person I am today because of the fact that I have experienced all of this heartache, frustration, and pain, as well as happiness, satisfaction, and joy. Life is bittersweet. That's all there is to it. So, I will continue to count my blessings, get down on my knees and thank my Heavenly Father for my wonderful husband and for our blessed life and put my faith in His plan. I have not given up and I don't plan to. Our time will come and we will be better parents for having gone through this.
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