Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A Hot Mess

aside from the obvious implication of my title (horrible hot flashes), the clomid has hijacked my personality. i don't remember ever having such irrational and unexplainable mood swings when i took it before. one minute i'm grumpy, not wanting anyone to talk to me or even look at me, and the next i'm literally in tears.

it really doesn't help that B is in rhode island looking for a place to live for the next year. he'll be back tomorrow, but this makes it all seem so official. this is really going to happen. we are really going to be living apart for a year, having a long-distance marriage. how crappy is that?!?

these past two days have really testified to the fact that i don't know how to live without him. i go through my normal routine - get up, go to work, come home, run on the treadmill, go to bed - but i feel so empty, completely hollow. most of the time i'm not irritable or sad, though, just blah. it feels like my personality has been sucked right out of me. i know he's only a phone call away and that we'll be seeing each other on the weekends, but not having him come home to me in the evenings is the most depressing thought ever. i'm grateful that he has a good job that pays well, but i pretty much loathe his job right now.

i'm not worried about how this will affect our fertility treatments, since we can just freeze his swimmers for future cycles. i worry, instead, that we will become comfortable in our separate lives and that this physical distance between us will put distance between us in our relationship. we've been married for almost 9 year and our marriage is solid at this point, both of us unwavering in our love, trust, loyalty, and affection for one another. what if that changed, though? what if this taste of "freedom" is something that he enjoys, and eventually prefers? he laughs off my concerns, because, at the moment, they are inconceivable, but are they?

at this point in the internal struggle, i am so emotionally drained, completely exhausted, and hormotionally imbalanced that all of my thoughts and feelings are skewed. i just have to step back, take a deep breath and tell myself that everything is going to be okay...and i should probably get some sleep, too.

6 comments:

New Year Mum said...

Hormone meds are terrible and I've found they completely blur my judgement plus make me feel so emotional. Will be difficult to live at long distances... but a friend of mine was in a similar position, and they found it helped them really see how much they cared for each other and ended up bringing them even closer :) xoxo

butterfly said...

My Dh worked in a different city for 6 months and also came back on the weekends. Yes it was very tough, especially in the evenings and before i fell asleep. But, it certainly brought us even closer and we vowed that we will never be apart again.

Clomid. How i do remember that pill. Yes, it makes you become a different person, hormonally and emotional out of whack. What did i do to stablize myself during those 5 days that i took it well i kept complaining, sleeping, and tried my best to keep busy. Yes, clomid made me very sleepy so i took the pill at night before bed. Initially my doctor had me take the pill in the morning that was not a good idea. Stay strong, just focus on getting the treatment done for this month. Good luck and baby dust!

Rosachka said...

I hope you will be feeling better soon ((hugs)). I feel down every time DH is away on business. I hope that your doubts are caused by hormones and once all the treatments are done and you are carrying a little one (or two) all your worries will look silly to you. :)

Andrea said...

It's very hard to be away from each other. DH and I were apart for 6 or 7 months and had a stretch where we didn't see each other for a couple months. It was awful, but in the end it brought us closer. Web cams are cheap and really help when you want to see them. Hang in there my friend.

And hopefully your s/e ease up soon. Clomid can be so mean on the hormones.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

I have never had to do the long distance thing but they do say that it can improve on a marriage's communication and actually help in some cases! I hope the year flies by!

Miss Mac said...

I know it's a cliche but hopefully in this situation absence will truly make the heart grow fonder. That would be so hard! One day at a time, deep breaths, and take care of yourself!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...