Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A Hot Mess
it really doesn't help that B is in rhode island looking for a place to live for the next year. he'll be back tomorrow, but this makes it all seem so official. this is really going to happen. we are really going to be living apart for a year, having a long-distance marriage. how crappy is that?!?
these past two days have really testified to the fact that i don't know how to live without him. i go through my normal routine - get up, go to work, come home, run on the treadmill, go to bed - but i feel so empty, completely hollow. most of the time i'm not irritable or sad, though, just blah. it feels like my personality has been sucked right out of me. i know he's only a phone call away and that we'll be seeing each other on the weekends, but not having him come home to me in the evenings is the most depressing thought ever. i'm grateful that he has a good job that pays well, but i pretty much loathe his job right now.
i'm not worried about how this will affect our fertility treatments, since we can just freeze his swimmers for future cycles. i worry, instead, that we will become comfortable in our separate lives and that this physical distance between us will put distance between us in our relationship. we've been married for almost 9 year and our marriage is solid at this point, both of us unwavering in our love, trust, loyalty, and affection for one another. what if that changed, though? what if this taste of "freedom" is something that he enjoys, and eventually prefers? he laughs off my concerns, because, at the moment, they are inconceivable, but are they?
at this point in the internal struggle, i am so emotionally drained, completely exhausted, and hormotionally imbalanced that all of my thoughts and feelings are skewed. i just have to step back, take a deep breath and tell myself that everything is going to be okay...and i should probably get some sleep, too.
cleverly communicated by Carlia at 10:04 PM