Wednesday, March 9, 2011

She's Here!

she certainly took her time, but she finally made her appearance today. she's kind of light, but that's the way she's been for the past year and a half. i really shouldn't complain, especially since i haven't had any cramps and she rarely stays more than a few days.

so, what happens next? i have an appointment for friday morning before work for blood work and an ultrasound, as well as to get my scrip for the clomid.

i can't believe we're to this point. i can't believe that we're about to actually start this. i'm so excited and nervous and freaking scared out of my mind! 

i'm not sure why i'm scared, though. i can't quite put my finger on it. at first i thought i was afraid of it not working. yeah, that sends a little shiver up my spine, but that's not it. then i thought i was afraid of what the hormones will do to me. that will definitely be uncomfortable, but still not it. i finally figured it out. i'm afraid of the unknown. sounds so cliche, but there you have it. i have no idea what to expect during this cycle. i have no idea what the procedure is going to be like. i have no idea how i'll handle a BFN and i certainly don't know what i'll do if i get a BFP!

i have no idea how to be a parent. the whole point of this is not the pregnancy, though i do look forward to the experience; the point is to have a child. what am i doing? what am i getting myself into? my life could be permanently altered after this cycle. i love my life. i love my husband and the time we have together. i love my job and my routine.
this is my comfort zone. usually it's B trying to drag me out of the bubble i live in, but this time it's me. i'm doing it to myself and that's such a strange feeling. this is something i've always wanted and i still want it, but it seems more like a reality now than ever before and i'm not sure how to handle it.

right now, i just need B to give me a big hug, tease me out of my hormotional funk, and tell me how excited he is to do this. it makes such a difference to know that he's as on board as i am! in the meantime, i'm going to enjoy being in my comfort zone for as long as i can.

3 comments:

Rosachka said...

Hope this will be a beginning of a successful cycle! and you are feeling better about an idea of a BFP, although I do know what you mean about being in a comfort zone, a bubble, as I too live most of my life in a bubble and love my comfort zone, and DH is on a mission to "kick me out" LOL, but for some reason having a kid doesn't scare me, although my sister-in-law tells me that I am in clouds about the realities of having a kid or two - we'll see who is right!!!

New Year Mum said...

Your life will be altered in the most amazingly wonderful way... but I guess that's why pregnancy is so long - to slowly get ones head around the idea of being a parent :) You'll be a great one xoxo

SeekingShirley said...

I was very scared from my first IUI too. Paralyzing fear! I tried some acupuncture to help ease all the crazy emotions, and I can't say that it was a super cure for fear and emotional stress, but I can say that at our second IUI this week I was much more at ease and laughing.
I wish you all the best cyclesista!

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