Friday, April 1, 2011

The Fine Line Between Optimism & Masochism

it's been a very long time since i've been in the two week wait. part of me stays grounded, so certain that our journey is continuing, that we have yet to reach our destination. another part of me daydreams about baby bumps and ultrasounds to find out the gender. i can't help but let that side take over.

i keep finding myself shopping online for maternity clothes. twisted, isn't it? i add things to my cart and pretend that i'll actually get to complete the purchase. it's like a sickness, a compulsion that i can't seem to stop.

i wander through stores, pausing to pick up tiny shoes and petite dresses, showing them to B with an accompanying "aaawwww...how adorable is this?!?" he laughs, humoring me.

this is the one point in the cycle where i have no control. i've already done everything i can (aside from continuing the prometrium). all i can do now is hope.

hope, though so small, is a massive word. within those four letters are contained emotions that most people can't begin to comprehend. that single syllable holds all my dreams and their possible realities.

but my hope is always mixed with fear. the two seem to go hand in hand for me. i can't feel one without the other. every time i imagine what it will be like to get that elusive BFP, every time i feel that stir of butterflies at the realization that it could happen - that this might be our time, the fear creeps in and stills the butterflies, squashing the vision of my dream. instead of a rush of happiness at the possibilities, i feel an emptiness. numbness spread through me and the thought that it couldn't possibly happen for me tarnishes my anticipation.

i've analyzed the statistics for my clinic. for someone my age with my diagnosis, a mere 20% success rate for IUI. it's higher than any of their other IUI stats, but still... a one in five chance, that's it. i know a few people it has worked for and their success makes me think "why not me? why can't it work for me, too?"

for now, i'm going to hold onto that thought. i'm going to keep looking at maternity clothes and baby booties. i'm going to hold onto that feeling of certainty that this is it - now is our time. i'm not going to think about the countless negative pregnancy tests i've taken. i'm not going to think about my past miscarriages. i'n not going to bog myself down with negativity, because hope is all i have and after all these years, i need it.

14 comments:

Sarah said...

What a beautiful post. I was thinking of you this morning and wondering how your "vacation" is going. Like you I'm a "do-er" and it's frustrating to be in a situation where you can't DO anything and just have to WAIT. I hope that after this 2WW the things you'll be waiting for are even more exciting - like ultrasounds and kicks and tiny giggles. But I'll be there on the other side if the lines don't show up - still full of hope for you. Wonderful things are coming your way - I just KNOW IT! :) Hang in there.

Rebecca said...

Keep holding onto that hope. Sometimes the wistful hope of the 2ww is the only thing that gets me through the rest of the cycle. Right then there is "possibility." Wishing you wonderful luck!

A said...

i always way overdosed on hope, but it's just who i am- i couldn't help it!!

Liz said...

Great post. You are half way there!! it sure doesn't hurt to hope and be optimistic. I am hopeful for this cycle for you and sending positive thoughts your way.

When my RE told me the statistics I was a bit disappointed as well. You never know though. Keep your mind on everything positive and screw the negative.

marilyn said...

maternity clothes I heard have come a long way. I have not gone into any of the stores..I look at it and then run past them! lol Ahh. you are almost there!! HOW MUCH LONGER!!
My fingers are crossed:) try to keep busy...

Miss Mac said...

Hold on to that hope! There are IUIs that produce babies... someone has to be the 1 in 5 and it very well could be you this time:] I hope it is!

P.S. I fully intend to link & thank you from my blog about the giveaway but I'm waiting until I can show off the purchase!

Marianne said...

Keep up the hope. I am hoping and praying for all of us. Your post was beautiful...and I don't care about those stats. I think it all comes out to be a 50/50 shot! Stay positive!!!!!

Me and You, Just Us - Two. said...

I try not to do this, but I do the same things as well!! Mainly looking at nursery pictures and planning our nurseries... it really gets my hopes up but in the moment, it's amazing. Stay strong and positive, IUI's work for lots of people and i Hope this is your month!

New Year Mum said...

Hope is a magical and beautiful thing... certainly worth keeping hold of and with all the positive thoughts of baby and maternity clothes will bring your BFP. I've certainly heard many positive IUI stories :)) Cheering for you over the 2WW xoxo

Baby Hopes said...

Best of luck!!! Hoping for you as well!

Josey said...

That's very similar to what I've been thinking. 20% seems so damn low for everything we've gone through. :(

Hoping and praying that we're both in that 20% at the end of this 2ww!

Anonymous said...

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts

Kitties & Cupcakes said...

Just wondered if you had read/seen the article in last month's Ensign on "Faith and Infertility." I was happy to see that the church put a spotlight on the topic, and the article was really helpful. (hugs) Lori

Noelle said...

Twenty percent is not a horrible chance! Yes, it's not ideal, but not hugely unlikely. We all look at the clothes and hope for the dream. What happens to us isn't fair and it's so difficult! But, we'll make it through. Look forward to hearing your news!

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