Friday, April 1, 2011
The Fine Line Between Optimism & Masochism
i keep finding myself shopping online for maternity clothes. twisted, isn't it? i add things to my cart and pretend that i'll actually get to complete the purchase. it's like a sickness, a compulsion that i can't seem to stop.
i wander through stores, pausing to pick up tiny shoes and petite dresses, showing them to B with an accompanying "aaawwww...how adorable is this?!?" he laughs, humoring me.
this is the one point in the cycle where i have no control. i've already done everything i can (aside from continuing the prometrium). all i can do now is hope.
hope, though so small, is a massive word. within those four letters are contained emotions that most people can't begin to comprehend. that single syllable holds all my dreams and their possible realities.
but my hope is always mixed with fear. the two seem to go hand in hand for me. i can't feel one without the other. every time i imagine what it will be like to get that elusive BFP, every time i feel that stir of butterflies at the realization that it could happen - that this might be our time, the fear creeps in and stills the butterflies, squashing the vision of my dream. instead of a rush of happiness at the possibilities, i feel an emptiness. numbness spread through me and the thought that it couldn't possibly happen for me tarnishes my anticipation.
i've analyzed the statistics for my clinic. for someone my age with my diagnosis, a mere 20% success rate for IUI. it's higher than any of their other IUI stats, but still... a one in five chance, that's it. i know a few people it has worked for and their success makes me think "why not me? why can't it work for me, too?"
for now, i'm going to hold onto that thought. i'm going to keep looking at maternity clothes and baby booties. i'm going to hold onto that feeling of certainty that this is it - now is our time. i'm not going to think about the countless negative pregnancy tests i've taken. i'm not going to think about my past miscarriages. i'n not going to bog myself down with negativity, because hope is all i have and after all these years, i need it.
cleverly communicated by Carlia at 12:11 PM