Monday, April 11, 2011

Publicly Infertile

i hate the idea of wearing "infertile" as a badge, being the only thing i'm known for, but i am no good at keeping things to myself. tell me your secret and my lips are sealed, but when it comes to my own issues, i can't seem to stop the verbal diarrhea. although i try to maintain a small degree of anonymity here, in real life my infertility is well known and much talked about (mostly by me).

it started out that people would ask why we don't have kids and i would say, "well, we've been trying for a while, but it just hasn't happened for us yet." somewhere along the way the word "infertility" got thrown into the mix and there was no turning back.

i don't mind people knowing my business, though. in my mind, it's better they know the truth than label me selfish, self-centered, or anti-kids. i would rather they think that there's something wrong with me physically than mentally or emotionally. i would rather people know of my desperate longing for children than to assume that i've chosen myself over having a family.

i understand why many women who share my plight suffer in silence, as it is a very personal struggle and having so many people watching to see if you finally get knocked up can put unnecessary pressure on you. of course, there is also the judgment that comes from those who think you should just adopt.

i get that everyone has their opinion and i get that some people don't want to share their struggle with others (i don't judge), but, for me, i love being able to talk about it. it's my therapy; it keeps me sane. if i couldn't talk about it, i think it would eat me up inside! i love having such a huge support system. i love knowing that so many people care. sure, the audience makes it doubly hard to announce the BFNs, but knowing that i've got so many cheerleaders, so many prayers going up on our behalf, so many words of all just makes it so much easier to stay positive.

i think that it is because of all of the support i receive from family and friends that i have been able to accept that our first IUI was a failure. no, not a failure. as my sister said to me the day before the beta, whatever the outcome, it is progress. such a great reminder!

B calls me the queen of TMI. he used to be embarrassed by how casually i used the words sperm and uterus. i am proud to announce that i have rubbed off on him! last night, during his weekly call to his parents, i heard him use both words while talking to his dad about the IUI procedures. ha ha! i could just picture his dad cringing on the other end of the line.

it's so nice to be able to look all around us, online and in our everyday lives, and see nothing but support and love. thank you for all of the wonderful comments you have made on here and in person. thank you for your prayers, crossed fingers, and words of encouragement. thank you for caring about us and our journey. oh, and thanks for brightening our weekend with all of the new BFN definitions! ;) B and i had a good laugh over those. laughter is the best medicine and you all made us feel so much better. thank you!


Baby Hopes said...

I think it takes a lot of bravery and courage to be open with and vulnerable to others with your infertility. I applaud you!

Josey said...

I think it's so cool that you're that open. I've slowly but surely been moving in that direction. We've been TTC for 21 months now... at first, it was a big secret. You know, so we could SURPRISE! the grandparents. Haha. Told the families about our issues after about 6 months... close friends after about a year. Now... well, I'm pretty much fine with telling anyone, but it kind of freaks my husband out, so we'll see. I thinking the last week of April for NIAW I'll "come out" on FB. It really is nice to have the support around us, and to those who SUCK at support and are full of ridiculous fertile advice, it's nice to have a "teaching" opportunity to let them know how hurtful their words can be to an infertile.

myjourneythruinfertility said...

it is so nice to know that I am not the only one who is "out" to everyone in my life. i have no judgment of those who aren't, I just couldn't imagine having to bottle it up. i know i have lost people in my life because they didnt want the honesty, but being true to myself and asking for what I need has been great- thanks for the great post!

Lola said...

My husband calls me the open book. I talk about my infertility with everyone!! I feel better talking about it. Everyone around me knows what's happening all the time. I find myself talking to people who didn't even ask me about my infertility. Somehow all the conversations lead to that subject! I don't care I feel better.
People like to assume things anyways so I might as well tell them what's happening before they start making up stories.

Bridget said...

I'm the same way- everyone I know knows about my infertility. I'm an open book :)

Miss Mac said...

I've slowly been more open about infertility. If someone brings it up, I'm very honest with them and I appreciate those who have shared their struggles with me. Extra prayers and support from those who care about us is always a good thing in my book! Your attitude will take you forward:]
P.S. Sorry my thank you for the blog giveaway was so late!

Rebecca said...

I'm essentially only "out" to a few close friends and my family. I wish I was more out because I know I'm missing some support that I would get othrwise. But, I just can't deal with the comments and the questions. I'm trying to use NIAW and the inspiration of so many who are courageous like you are to be a little more bold about it all.

Amanda said...

I'm the same way as you. If my husband were comfortable with it, I would be telling anyone who asked. I find it makes things easier in general, and I don't get as many 'when are you having kids?' questions, because people are more sensitive to me.

But he's such a private person, that I have to watch what I say sometimes. That being said, I have no problem talking to my MIL about the thickness of my uterus and when I ovulate!

I think it's great to get it all out. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and those extra prayers couldn't hurt :)

A said...

i definitely did not share with everyone- just a close group of family and friends. i admire people like you who can be so open!!! i tried being open with my friends crom college, and they were the opposite of supportive. so glad that those people you have shared with have been so supportive of you!

Katie said...

I can totally relate to what you're saying! I've become more and more open about talking about our "struggles" recently and my husband still gets embarrassed every time I mention my pink lady parts or his swimmers. We talk about it openly with a few close friends, but just recently told his parents that we're about to start our first medicated cycle (we've been TCC for 1 yr.). Hopefully that will make them stop asking us why we haven't produced any grandkids for them yet!

I'm so glad that you have a great support system on board and that your husband no longer cringes at the use of certain words :)

So glad I stumbled across your blog this morning and can't wait to follow you on your journey!

New Year Mum said...

I'm with you on preferring others to know about our secondary IF and IVF than think that we don't want another child. Your strength and openness is inspirational... and your determination and love will get you there :)) Love always xoxo

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