Monday, May 16, 2011

The Good, The Bad & The...Huh?

i had this whole post planned to announce my pregnancy. it was clever and cute and completely happy and excited. it's too bad i didn't get to use it.

last monday (13dpiui) i decided to POAS before i left for work. at first glance, i dismissed it as negative and was just about to toss it in the trash when i hesitated. was that a second line? it was so faint, i could hardly tell if it was really there or not. i was in a hurry, so i decided i'd just have to worry about it later. of course, it bugged me all day, practically consuming my thoughts.

as soon as i got home, i grabbed one of my digital HPTs. i needed a definite answer, none of that interpreting the results crap. after a couple of minutes i was shocked to see the word "pregnant". i froze for a second, hand trembling, as i waited for the inevitable "not" to show up in front of "pregnant". it never did. i'm sure you can imagine how excited i was. i sobbed as i took a pic of the result window with my phone to text to B. luckily, i had composed myself by the time he finally saw the text and called me.

my beta was scheduled for the next day and i was so confident. (of course, i had taken 3 more HPTs that evening just to be sure i didn't get a false positive.) part of that confidence came from the thought that surely God would not put us through another loss. surely, after all we've been through, He would bless us with a child this time. needless to say, i was flabbergasted (awesome word, huh?) when casey, my nurse, called and told me that the test came back positive, but the HCG level was only 15. 15? seriously? how is that even possible? the most sensitive of HPTs is reported to detect no less than 25 and the digitals shouldn't pick up on less than 50! i was so confused and heartbroken. casey went on to tell me that dr. T thought it was just a chemical pregnancy and had never actually implanted. she told me to come back in on thursday for another beta.

thursday's beta doubled, but was still really low, only 38. still, i was hopeful. i wasn't about to give up, because the HPTs were gradually having darker results and i was still having the pregnancy symptoms (sore boobs, really tired, etc). casey assured me that it was just a chemical pregnancy and warned me not to get my hopes up. she said they wanted to monitor me until my level dropped to less than 5, so i needed to come back in on monday.

my weekend was filled with emotional ups and downs and lots of anxiety, but i couldn't help but be hopeful, since i wasn't bleeding or having a lot of cramping, and my level had doubled. everything i had read said not to worry about what the initial beta was, that the important thing was the rate at which it doubled. so, there i was holding onto that slight glimmer of hope despite what the doctor was predicting.

i got up super early this morning, took B to the airport, and headed over to my appt. i stared at the phone all day, willing it to ring with good news. finally, casey called. she told me that the level had gone up, but was still low - 96. they were removing the "chemical" from the pregnancy, but they are very concerned with the fact that the beta was still under 100. their biggest fear is that it could be ectopic. i don't blame them, it scares the crap out of me. my two oldest sisters each had an ectopic pregnancy. my oldest sister lost her tube because of it and the second oldest's started to rupture, but was able to keep her tube. seeing what they went through and knowing that it is a possibility for me now terrifies me. however, i know they are catching it early in my case and that everything is going to be alright.

so, here i am, completely exhausted both physically and emotionally, boobs aching, my super sense of smell bringing every rotten odor to my attention...and full of hope. i know i should just write this pregnancy off and completely detach myself emotionally, but i just can't seem to do it. i can't shake this optimism. i don't know how things will go with this pregnancy, but i am grateful for this experience and am absolutely, 100%, without-a-doubt, positive that i am going to be a mother soon. it may be this little bean or it may be a pregnancy in the near future, but, either way, motherhood is on the horizon for me. i can feel it!

24 comments:

SLESE1014 said...

OMG I can't imagine what you're feeling. Well. I kind of can, but mine was definitely a chemical pregnancy. I hope the numbers keep going up and up and up! We'll cross our fingers for a late implanter!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayer!

CrysHouse said...

Carlia--

This post gives so many of us hope :) Thank you :)

Josey said...

Oh wow Carlia... what an awful emotional roller coaster. :( Hold on to those stories of hope - the numbers are doubling, and it's totally possible this will result in you holding a healthy little baby in your arms next January. Praying for you!!

Sarah said...

Kinda speechless right now. :( You must be feeling a crazy mix of emotions. With each paragraph, I was smiling, then frowing, smiling, then a half smile half frown :) What I really want to say is...still hold out for that miracle...you never know :) Like you said, it WILL happen whether now or later. Thinking of you!

Liz said...

I have been thinking of you and can't imagine what you have through these past few days. I am holding on hope for you, but know that a successful pregnancy is on the horizon for you. Do you have another beta scheduled or what is the next step?

Bridget said...

What do you do next? Are they going to keep doing b/w or an u/s? I hope you get some great news sweetie!! Doubling numbers sound great!

Baby Hopes said...

Congratulations!!! Regardless of what happens, you are a Mommy, and you have taken on infertility and kicked its a$$!!! My heart was up and down with you through this post. I had a gut feeling you were pregnant and was checking your blog daily. I'm sending you all thoughts, prayers, and hope. Prayers for peace and protection for you and growing family. Your babe(s) is(are) on the way!!!

marilyn said...

ahhhh! this post alone has made my blood pressure rise! I am so sorry you had to go through all that anxiety! not fair!! keep us posted what is going on. I will be thinking of you:)
hugs

Marianne said...

I am so praying for your little one to beat the odds. Keep us posted. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Hugs.

Rebecca said...

Omg! I'm sending all the positive thoughts I can muster for you. Thinking of you.

New Year Mum said...

Oh hun... what a difficult few days for you. Great news that your results are increasing and FXd for you that it's not an ectopic. Must be excruciating to wait for me results. Why can't the IF journey ever get easy for us ? All my heart, thoughts and wishes.. love always xoxo

Andrea said...

Talk about an emotional roller coaster!!! I'm so hopeful for you and am praying hard that this baby sticks and snuggles in tight! I know how long you have waited for this and you and B are so deserving!!!! Hugs!

Gen said...

I know you've been waiting so for long this and I will be praying that the next appointment brings great news!

BTW - Love your blogs, miss seeing you on the board!

Ashley said...

I am sending my prayers and good vibes. (((Hugs)))

Amanda said...

OMG!!! I know it's early, but I still just want to say a heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS!! I wish the start of this pregnancy could have gone a little smoother for you, but I'll be thinking of you and praying for more good news. xo

B- said...

Ugh! I can't even imagine what you must be going through! I had been checking your page for updates all weekend! I am happy you got a positive and keepi g my fingers crossed for you!

Blooming Woman said...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You're pregnant!!!!

This whole thing just makes me so angry. What right do they have to tell you after three perfectly rising blood draws that its not likely to be a successful pregnancy?! That is unbelievable! 15 is a perfectly acceptable hcg count for 14dpo and it proceeded to MORE THAN double! Hpt are always more sensitive than advertised, I know many people that have gotten a positive (and later had a baby) with an initial draw of under 20.

Do NOT let this horrible doctor take this away from you! Everything is rising as it should and you are definitely pregnant!

amiracle4us said...

Oh my gosh!! This wait must be brutal, but you seem to be doing great! keeping the hope and focusing on the now is all you can do. What will be, will be and we are hoping for good results on that next beta!! Just keep doubling like it has and you will have a little one soon!!

Sarah said...

I've been thinking of you so much the last few days and now that I know what a roller coaster you've been on I wish I had stopped by. From the beginning I have felt so certain that I will see you with {YOUR OWN!} baby in your arms. I have no doubt about it. I hope that this is the one and that Deborah can get cracking on your awesome shower. Seriously, you have no idea what's coming - she is officially insane! :) We'll keep praying for rising numbers and good news. Hang in there!

Nate and Lori said...

We've got every finger and toe crossed for you and your little bean!!! And we're not giving up without a fight! Good luck tomorrow! Im praying that little "bean" implanted in the right spot!

Jay said...

This... is crazy. I am so sorry you're having to go through the ups and downs of this news. I'm keeping my fingers crossed & my hopes high for you that this has the happiest of endings. *BIG HUGS*

A said...

hi! just wanted to check on you to see if there is an update! praying for good news!

David and Kelli said...

I can't imagine how nerve racking it is for you...the waiting is driving ME crazy! Good luck, Gorgeous! We love you guys!

Miss Mac said...

How did I miss this post?!? A positive is another step closer and I hope that this turns into a story of overcoming all odds! Best of luck!

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