i had this whole post planned to announce my pregnancy. it was clever and cute and completely happy and excited. it's too bad i didn't get to use it.
last monday (13dpiui) i decided to POAS before i left for work. at first glance, i dismissed it as negative and was just about to toss it in the trash when i hesitated. was that a second line? it was so faint, i could hardly tell if it was really there or not. i was in a hurry, so i decided i'd just have to worry about it later. of course, it bugged me all day, practically consuming my thoughts.
as soon as i got home, i grabbed one of my digital HPTs. i needed a definite answer, none of that interpreting the results crap. after a couple of minutes i was shocked to see the word "pregnant". i froze for a second, hand trembling, as i waited for the inevitable "not" to show up in front of "pregnant". it never did. i'm sure you can imagine how excited i was. i sobbed as i took a pic of the result window with my phone to text to B. luckily, i had composed myself by the time he finally saw the text and called me.
my beta was scheduled for the next day and i was so confident. (of course, i had taken 3 more HPTs that evening just to be sure i didn't get a false positive.) part of that confidence came from the thought that surely God would not put us through another loss. surely, after all we've been through, He would bless us with a child this time. needless to say, i was flabbergasted (awesome word, huh?) when casey, my nurse, called and told me that the test came back positive, but the HCG level was only 15. 15? seriously? how is that even possible? the most sensitive of HPTs is reported to detect no less than 25 and the digitals shouldn't pick up on less than 50! i was so confused and heartbroken. casey went on to tell me that dr. T thought it was just a chemical pregnancy and had never actually implanted. she told me to come back in on thursday for another beta.
thursday's beta doubled, but was still really low, only 38. still, i was hopeful. i wasn't about to give up, because the HPTs were gradually having darker results and i was still having the pregnancy symptoms (sore boobs, really tired, etc). casey assured me that it was just a chemical pregnancy and warned me not to get my hopes up. she said they wanted to monitor me until my level dropped to less than 5, so i needed to come back in on monday.
my weekend was filled with emotional ups and downs and lots of anxiety, but i couldn't help but be hopeful, since i wasn't bleeding or having a lot of cramping, and my level had doubled. everything i had read said not to worry about what the initial beta was, that the important thing was the rate at which it doubled. so, there i was holding onto that slight glimmer of hope despite what the doctor was predicting.
i got up super early this morning, took B to the airport, and headed over to my appt. i stared at the phone all day, willing it to ring with good news. finally, casey called. she told me that the level had gone up, but was still low - 96. they were removing the "chemical" from the pregnancy, but they are very concerned with the fact that the beta was still under 100. their biggest fear is that it could be ectopic. i don't blame them, it scares the crap out of me. my two oldest sisters each had an ectopic pregnancy. my oldest sister lost her tube because of it and the second oldest's started to rupture, but was able to keep her tube. seeing what they went through and knowing that it is a possibility for me now terrifies me. however, i know they are catching it early in my case and that everything is going to be alright.
so, here i am, completely exhausted both physically and emotionally, boobs aching, my super sense of smell bringing every rotten odor to my attention...and full of hope. i know i should just write this pregnancy off and completely detach myself emotionally, but i just can't seem to do it. i can't shake this optimism. i don't know how things will go with this pregnancy, but i am grateful for this experience and am absolutely, 100%, without-a-doubt, positive that i am going to be a mother soon. it may be this little bean or it may be a pregnancy in the near future, but, either way, motherhood is on the horizon for me. i can feel it!