Saturday, May 21, 2011

Living on the Rollercoaster

if this is how the entire pregnancy is going to be (should it even continue on), it's going to be extremely exhausting.

my ultrasound yesterday morning still didn't show anything, which is what i expected. after i got home, exhaustion took over and what was supposed to be a half hour nap turned into 3 hours. when i woke up, my stomach started cramping pretty bad. well, i thought it was in my stomach, until i sat up and realized it was much lower in my pelvis. i freaked out and ran to the bathroom to find very faint pink spotting.

i cried...a lot. okay, maybe it was more of uncontrollable sobbing, but i've only got so many tears in me...plus, i've been expecting this pregnancy to end at any moment. so, what did i do? i told myself (yes, i do talk to myself out loud) i had two choices. #1: i could wallow in self-pity and be miserable the entire weekend, wasting what little time i have with my husband. #2: i could accept the fact that there is nothing i can do to prevent a miscarriage, get dressed up and put on make-up, and go pick up my husband from the airport and make the most of our weekend. i chose #2.

as i was finishing up my make-up casey, my nurse, called with the hcg results. not quite double, but definitely still rising, up to 329. i told her about the spotting and cramping and she said that it's possible that it's the beginning of a miscarriage, but more than likely it was from the ultrasound. (the tech had been pretty rough. i think she was nervous having the RE looking over her shoulder.) she told me to just take it easy and come back in monday morning to do it all over again. that conversation made me feel much better, but i still kept my guard up.

a few hours and a few tylenol later, the cramping had completely subsided, but the spotting started back up, bright red this time. as of this morning, i'm still spotting off and on with slight cramping, mostly on my right, that creeps up every now and then.

i'm holding up really well, though. i have a busy weekend ahead of me, with a photo shoot this evening, followed by a fun double date to go see pirates of the caribbean and i'm not going to let this get me down. i have no idea what's going on right now and there's nothing i can do about it, so i'm going to stay positive, trust that whatever happens is for our good, and go have fun.

so, happy ICLW to everyone and a huge thank you to everyone for your amazingly sweet and encouraging comments. i feel so loved!

25 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh goodness - roller coaster indeed. I am absolutely amazed by your optimism and attitude - you are remarkable!!! I hope it was just from the ultrasound. Grow little bean! This sounds like a really great time for a friends and family fast. Count me in. :)

Andrea said...

I'm glad you chose #2 :) Enjoy your weekend with B and have fun on your double date! In the meantime, I will continue to keep you and your LO in my thoughts and prayers and hope that everything will be just fine! xoxo

Josey said...

My HCG number only went up 71%, and my clinic (CC.RM in Denver - one of the best there is, so I'm reminding myself to just trust them!) only wants to see a 66% doubling to be "good" and not concerned.

Hoping and praying that all is well with your little one....

Baby Hopes said...

Praying the spotting stops and those numbers keep rising... Thinking of you...

New Year Mum said...

Oh hun... this certainly is a roller-coaster for you. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and keeping my FXd for you for your rpt bloods on Monday. I love your attitude of "going to stay positive, trust that whatever happens is for our good, and go have fun"... you're such a strong and admirable person. Love to you always xoxo

Ashley said...

Sending my prayers and positive thoughts to you. (((Hugs)))

Corinne said...

Here from ICLW. Wishing you rest and a great weekend with DH. I can't imagine the agony you are facing right now and I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

amiracle4us said...

I usually love roller coasters, but this one...not so much. I am hoping the bleeding is just from your cervix and nothing more. I will be thinking about you :)Stay strong, positive and loving on that baby!

New Year Mum said...

Hi... I've just awarded you a Versatile and/or Stylish Blogger Award :) Follow the link below and take your pick of which award you'd like and spread the love to other blogs you love :) It means so much to me to be sharing this roller-coaster ride of loss/TTC with you all. Love for ICLWeek :)) xoxo

http://newyearmum.blogspot.com/2011/05/more-blog-awards-for-extra-happy-start.html

St Elsewhere said...

Oh, this is a roller-coaster all right. Just keep your head straight coz God knows, how much you would need it.

Good Luck.

And you have a great blog. I was laughing at the 'things you won't do with your baby'. Those tattoos are awful!

ICLW #44

Jo...x said...

hi, im your newest follower from love that moves the stars.
Http://whatmovesstars.blogspot.com

Bridget said...

Your strength through this is amazing. You are an inspiration! I will be thinking of you on Monday, hang in there sweetie.

Just the three of us! said...

*hugs* Hang in there, you are such a strong woman! I had the same thing last week, turned out everything was fine and surprisingly bleeding, even red, can be normal after a U/S or for other reasons. Everything ended up ok in my situation, so stay strong I'll be praying for good news at your appointment!

Nikki said...

Here from ICLW -

I just can't believe how similar your experiences are to mine - I completely understand the roller coaster of hope and depression that you are on. Three times we have gone through this exact same scenario and it really tore at me emotionally.

I'm really glad you were able to look on the bright side and keep some hope. I will certainly be praying for you.

Nikki

Kristin said...

Good for you for choosing #2. That shows a lot of strength. I hope and pray you get wonderful results during your visit on Monday.

ICLW #6

Rebecca said...

Thinking of you and sending hope.

C said...

Wow! Roller coaster for sure! Your attitude is truly admirable.

All the best!

JustHeather said...

Stopping by for my first month of ICLW.

Sorry this is such a roller coaster right now. But keep your hope up and never give up and only admit defeat when it truly is time. Even the most rough starts can turn out wonderful.

OliveLEAH said...

Thinking of you...

Happy ICLW!

Sarah said...

I admire your positive attitude! Its always so hard for me when thing are total crap to still keep my eyes open to whats great in my life! Glad you decided to enjoy your weekend with your man :) And just know that Im thinking of you and still wishing that things turn out ok...

Residency Widow said...

I am sorry about the crazy rollercoaster but I'm glad to hear that you are trying to stay positive about it so that you can enjoy the time with your hubs.
Hope you find some clearer answers on Monday.

Katie said...

Praying hard for you this week. I hope that the spotting stops and that your appointment tomorrow brings nothing but AMAZING news.

Sheryl said...

Always in my prayers!! You are truly amazing! I am praying for more good news at tomorrow's appointment.

Sarah said...

Good luck in the morning! I'm thinking of you!!!

Hopeful1 said...

Your strength is so amazing. Please take care of yourself. It may not mean much but I'll be followng along sending positive thoughts your way.

ICLW #12

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