Monday, May 23, 2011

NOT The End

it's been a rough day. although the spotting stopped yesterday morning, the ultrasound didn't go well. there was something in my uterus, but dr. T wasn't comfortable calling it the gestational sac. she sat me down and told me that the numbers are so far from normal that there is just no way this pregnancy could be viable. she was still concerned about the possibility of it being ectopic and said that wednesday has to be the cut off day if the hcg level didn't start to drop.

i've been preparing myself for this, never letting myself get too attached to this pregnancy, trying to let go of my need to control the situation. all that preparation seemed to really help, though not at first. my heart was crushed when she told me all of this, but the part that scared me the most was when she started talking about the medication she wanted to administer on wednesday. i'm sure many of you have heard of methotrexate, but i hadn't. she explained to me that it is often used in large doses to treat cancer, but would be given to me in a much smaller dose and would essentially melt away the fast-growing tissue (aka: the baby). while effective and fast-acting, it comes with a price. this is the part where i started to freak out. apparently, this crap stays in your body for three whole months! during this time it could affect a new pregnancy. that means having to wait three months to even be able to start another treatment. i'm going to be 30 in july and my biological clock has been ticking since i was 16, so three months might as well be three years.

needless to say, i cried...a lot (not in front of her, though. i waited till i got to the car.) and prayed even more. i was able to compose myself before i got to work, but it was difficult. i knew this was coming, but it doesn't lessen the pain of knowing that i'm going to have to suffer through yet another miscarriage.

i'm just thankful for little blessings and tender mercies, though, because the call i got this afternoon saved us from that scenario. my hcg level dropped considerably. it's now down to 66.6. it was a relief to know that my body is going to take care of this on its own, but it still felt like a hot knife had been shoved into my heart.

i have to be tough, though, because our journey isn't over and if i fall apart, B is going to feel guilty for being so far away. i don't want him to feel bad for the situation we're in. he's doing the best he can to provide for us and i'm so grateful for all that he does. it's not his fault he has to work 8 hours away, just like it's not my fault that i'm miscarrying again.

so, in an effort to distract myself, i went to run some errands after work. (yes, i finished out my day at work. aren't you so proud of me? i'm one tough cookie!) i stopped to fill up my tank, which, of course, happened to be the exact moment that the heavens opened up and torrential rain poured down. it was comically appropriate and i couldn't help but laugh. then i headed to walmart to binge on craft supplies. y'all will be glad i did, though, because it was for my next give-away. ;) i also splurged and bought some comfort food, because...well, i just deserve it, gosh darn it!

29 comments:

Julia said...

This is truly unfair. I'm so sorry you have to go through that.
If it's any solace, and I hope it's not awful for me to say, I got pregnant right after my MC, and there's been a lot of research that your body is primed for pregnancy. I hope that happens for you!!

tanyaslifejourney said...

Visiting from ICLW.

I'm so sorry to hear about your u/s results today. Unfortunately, I know all too well the effects of methotrexate. I had an ectopic pregnancy last year and had to get 2 doses and then wait the 3 months before TTC again.

Praying your numbers continue to rise and all your stress and worry is for naught.

Keep hanging in there like you already are...you are definitely one tough cookie to go back to work after your appointment!

(((HUGS)))

Bridget said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I have had to use methotrexatge twice and it didn't work for me either time so I was mad I even put it in my body. Both times I ended up needing surgery anyway. If you don't feel comfortable getting it, I would tell your Dr. My thoughts are still with you!

Liz said...

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. If your numbers are falling, doesn't it mean you likely won't need to take the methotrexate? Thinking of you ((hugs))

I am amazed you were able to go to work after all of that. You are a seriously strong woman.

E and R said...

I am so sorry your u/s did not go so well. Hopefully you won't have to do the methotrexate - I agree with Bridget - if you are not comfortable with it I would see if there is an alternative!

Rebecca said...

I'm just so sorry but glad that it seems you won't need the methotrexate. I really am incredibly sorry for what you're going through. You're right, though, it's not the end. (((hugs)))

B- said...

I am so sorry for everything you have been going through! I know we've never met, but I'm not far away if you ever need something! (I hope that didn't come out sounding stalkerish!)

missohkay said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so tough but hopefully the physical part passes quickly so you can focus on healing. Fingers crossed for no mtx - that would freak me out too. -ICLW #88

clewis said...

I think you are doing really really well and are very strong. take care of yourself and know I am here for support

amiracle4us said...

I know you have been realistic about this pregnancy while maintaining hope, but it still hurts when the news comes and you have to say goodbye. I am so so sorry :( hugs

Residency Widow said...

Ok I've tried to comment 3 times now and blogger keeps wigging out on me so hopefully you don't have a bunch of comments from me.

I'm glad that you splurged on some comfort food because you deserve it and I was going to be mad if you didn't at least splurge a little on a day like today.

I'm sorry to hear this is the road you're going down and just because you were bracing for it doesn't mean it hurts any less. I'm grateful for the tender mercies that you won't have to go the methotrexate route and will get to try again soon. Thinking of you two.

Gen said...

Carlia, you are in my thoughts. You are a strong woman, having gone through so many ups and downs, and yet you keep such a positive outlook.
{hugs}

Maria said...

hi carlia...i just joined your blog as a follower tonight. i am so very sorry for what you are going through. you are so strong and i admire your determination! i am looking forward to keeping up with your journey! wishing you better days and much luck for the future! :) maria
my blog about ttc#1 with 5 miscarriages in a row is at www.everydayisacountrysong.blogspot.com

JustHeather said...

*hugs*

Billy said...

Here from ICLW.
I am so sorry to read of your loss. It must be so difficult.

♥ C said...

Hello...I absolutley love your blog and I've just awarded you a Versatile Blogger Award :) Follow the link below and spread the love to other blogs you love :)

http://tryingtoconceiveour1st.blogspot.com/2011/05/versatile-blog.html

A said...

oh gosh, i am so sorry (HUG). praying for you as you grieve the loss of this little one-

Ericka said...

I can't imagine what you are going through and I'm so sorry for you. Those moments of holding back the tears until you are alone in your car suck and then the quirky little things that happen after (like the rain pouring, or certain songs that come one) that bring a LITTLE comedy back into it...I wish you the best of luck! (ICLW)

Andrea said...

I'm so incredibly sorry you're having to go through this again. I was praying hard that this little one would stick this time. I'm just so sad for you and B. I am truly amazed by your strength through such a difficult time. (((HUGS)))

Josey said...

Oh Carlia, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. :P hang in there....

sunnyside up said...

We are off to our final appointment where if they do not see the gestational sac and if Dr Zen is not comfortable with everything that she sees we will be considering this pregnancy non viable and deciding our next plan.

I'm thinking of you! even though I just started following your blog.
Try to be strong, I know that is easier said then done, I have been a basket of tears since Wed.

If you need anything please feel free to email me at mrs.sunnysideup@gmail.com

HUGS!

Sheryl said...

Still in my prayers...you ARE one tough cookie. I'm glad the rain felt appropriate...I like a good cry in the rain, it feels like Heaven is crying with me.

Blooming Woman said...

i can't tell you how sorry i am. what an unfair loss.

Jay said...

You're showing incredibly strength. It may not feel like it, but you are. I really am so, so sorry you're going through this. The word 'unfair' doesn't begin to cover it. *hugs*

Cathi said...

You're awesome sweetheart. All I can say, is we're here whenever you need us. Keep going. We love you.

Miss Mac said...

I am so truly sorry. Sending a big virtual hug your way and prayers for strength.

Kim said...

I totally agree that you are incredibly tough. You are absolutely amazing. I also think that pouring your feelings into crafts is a great idea!! That and chocolate. Hey, you need balance!

Sarah said...

Crap. :( Im so sorry :( Hope you got something really gross (and super yummy!) to eat. You deserve that comfort food and craft binge. You definitely DON'T deserve to have to go through this all again. Thinking of you and sending you a huge hug.

Natalie said...

So very sorry.
Binge crafting is definitely my comfort as well.

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