Monday, May 23, 2011
NOT The End
i've been preparing myself for this, never letting myself get too attached to this pregnancy, trying to let go of my need to control the situation. all that preparation seemed to really help, though not at first. my heart was crushed when she told me all of this, but the part that scared me the most was when she started talking about the medication she wanted to administer on wednesday. i'm sure many of you have heard of methotrexate, but i hadn't. she explained to me that it is often used in large doses to treat cancer, but would be given to me in a much smaller dose and would essentially melt away the fast-growing tissue (aka: the baby). while effective and fast-acting, it comes with a price. this is the part where i started to freak out. apparently, this crap stays in your body for three whole months! during this time it could affect a new pregnancy. that means having to wait three months to even be able to start another treatment. i'm going to be 30 in july and my biological clock has been ticking since i was 16, so three months might as well be three years.
needless to say, i cried...a lot (not in front of her, though. i waited till i got to the car.) and prayed even more. i was able to compose myself before i got to work, but it was difficult. i knew this was coming, but it doesn't lessen the pain of knowing that i'm going to have to suffer through yet another miscarriage.
i'm just thankful for little blessings and tender mercies, though, because the call i got this afternoon saved us from that scenario. my hcg level dropped considerably. it's now down to 66.6. it was a relief to know that my body is going to take care of this on its own, but it still felt like a hot knife had been shoved into my heart.
i have to be tough, though, because our journey isn't over and if i fall apart, B is going to feel guilty for being so far away. i don't want him to feel bad for the situation we're in. he's doing the best he can to provide for us and i'm so grateful for all that he does. it's not his fault he has to work 8 hours away, just like it's not my fault that i'm miscarrying again.
so, in an effort to distract myself, i went to run some errands after work. (yes, i finished out my day at work. aren't you so proud of me? i'm one tough cookie!) i stopped to fill up my tank, which, of course, happened to be the exact moment that the heavens opened up and torrential rain poured down. it was comically appropriate and i couldn't help but laugh. then i headed to walmart to binge on craft supplies. y'all will be glad i did, though, because it was for my next give-away. ;) i also splurged and bought some comfort food, because...well, i just deserve it, gosh darn it!
cleverly communicated by Carlia at 7:40 PM