Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Things I Just Won't Do

i've spent a lot of time thinking about the things i'll do when we finally have a child. i'll take her here, i'll buy him that...blah blah blah... what i forget to think about is the the list of things i won't do when that happy day arrives. so, for future reference, i thought i'd put that list together to help prevent me from falling into the sappy and sometimes disgusting traps that other new parents sometimes do.

10: i won't film my child going to the bathroom, whether or not i think the face he/she makes when pooping is adorable.
9: i won't call that poop a "boom boom". that's just weird.
8: i won't breastfeed my child past the point of being able to converse with them. as soon as they can say "mommy, i'm hungry" and point to the boob it becomes creepy.
7: i won't dress myself and my child in matching outfits. (nothing better than seeing a mom and her daughter wearing the same polka dot dress. ick!)
6: i won't succumb to the baby talk. "baby want bah-bah?" like nails on a chalkboard.
5: i won't put the cat in the room with my kid while i run an errand and call it babysitting.
4: i won't try to arrange a marriage with the baby across the least not right away.
3: i won't save the umbilical cord or placenta for a keepsake to hang on the wall or display in any way, shape, or form. ewww, ewww, ewww!
2: i won't use my bare fingers to pick boogers out of my kid's nose in public (or in private). i've seen this happen way too often and it just gets more disgusting every time.
1: i won't have my baby's face tattooed on any part of my body. what, do you think i want to have to look at something like this for the rest of my life:
or this:
or this:
yeah, not for me.

what won't you do as a parent?

***just a reminder to send me your humpday hero nominations at storkdropzone at gmail dot com


***it's still not too late to enter my latest give-away. (hint, hint)


Baby Hopes said...

Hahahahahaha... these are awesome. The tattoos are seriously creepy. Ok... some things I won't do:

1. I won't post the daily/hourly updates of what my child is eating, saying, or doing that render Fa.cebook accounts block-worthy.

2. I won't lecture other women about how being a mother is the defining feature of being a woman, and dismiss any and all of their endeavors as unworthy of my time or consideration.

3. I *won't* hold a screaming baby on one hip while carrying on a conversation with a phone in the other hand. Seriously. Put down the phone and call them back for everyone's sake.

4. I won't scream at my children in the other room with the phone right next to my mouth as some poor, unexpected listener is rendered half deaf on the other end of the phone.

5. I won't bring my kids to a gathering, drop them and go off to do my own thing for several hours assuming *someone* will keep an eye on them as they run wild.

6. I won't excuse unruly behavior or bullying as "blowing off steam."

7. I won't laugh, let alone applaud, rude remarks by my children. Saying "Eeewww... I don't like it, I don't want it..." and a number of other typically excused remarks will not fly with me.

8. I won't insist or even assume that every conversation should revolve around my kids or motherhood.

9. I won't put on a breastfeeding show. Personally, I won't breastfeed in public period. I have no problem with women that do... I just have an issue with those who put on a show. I'm sorry... but a peep show is grossly inappropriate when your child will be breastfeeding from it in less than a matter of minutes. There is such a thing a tactful public breastfeeding that an astonishing number of women I've encountered lack. No lie: one woman I'm friend with literally posted a picture of her nipple with her baby lying next to it looking completely uninterested. I clicked to it innocently while looking through a photo album announcing her daughter's birth. I was completely appalled.

10. I won't forget the blessing of children and that any number of women I encounter may be suffering through infertility, and insensitive behavior and/or words on my part could cause heartache that I've endured and would never wish upon another.

I love your posts... always fun and thoughtful.

Bridget said...

hahahaha! I think you covered everything I can think of!

New Year Mum said...

Love your list... I won't be doing these things either !! Love always xoxo

Liz said...

Those tattoos are horrible!! Breast feeding walking and talking children also freaks me out.
I won't give my child a pacifier or bottle beyond the age of 1 since I CAN'T STAND seeing a 2 or 3 year-old with them.

I had to share this article on "baby talk" though, since as annoying as it is, there is a reason people do it.

Sarah said...

Wow. I am laughing so hard right now! Thank you for this. :) Just a few comments on this hysterical list..
1-It's even worse when the parents take a PICTURE of the "boom boom"
2-There's a little girl in my class. Two years old. Walking, talking, very smart. Runs to her mother screaming "Milk! Milk!" as she's ripping her mothers shirt open. No joke. I throw up in my mouth a little every time.
3-The matching mommy/daughter dress comment cracks me up, because one Easter when I was about 8 my mom dressed us alike in polka dot dresses! Ugh. I saw the picture and was like "Oh mom what were you thinking?" and shes like " It was the 80's" haha
4-Baby talk makes me cringe. Although it is the title of my blog :)
I think I may do a whole post on things I wont do! :)

Amanda said...

Dear god those tattoos are scary! How do they sleep at night?!

I agree with everyone so far. One to add...I will not bring my kids to a resaturant and leave the table as though a tornado has rocked through it. I find that so disgusting and rude (maybe because I used to be a server!)

Miss Mac said...

I second your list! When DH was a child, his mom would cook something completely different for his little picky eater self. I won't do what I fix or a bowl of cereal will have to do! Guess I'll lose mom of the year award!

Residency Widow said...

Oh my gosh, my eyes! Those are the creepiest kid tattoos.

In regards to #3, have you seen the placenta teddy bear? I don't have a link to it but it is cringe-worthy.

I think you have a pretty good list overall.

Rebecca said...

I'm so disturbed by those tattoos that I don't think I can even respond!!!

Here's one, though -- I won't bring my babies to meetings at work or dump them in my office with a baby sitter while I teach classes while the baby cries and screams and cries and screams and makes everyone else on the floor INSANE. (I truly don't know why this is allowed at my school.)

JustHeather said...

OMG! The tattoos are horrid! And thanks for your list of "won't do" items, I agree with them!

Although, I could let dressing in matching outfits slide by...for Halloween, only!

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