Thursday, June 9, 2011

A Random Dream

i had a dream the other night that i can't seem to shake, which is odd, because i rarely remember my dreams.

a few months ago, B's ex-fiance (we were both engaged once before we met each other) friended us on facebook. i've never felt any sort of jealousy, competition, or animosity toward her. i don't know her and have no reason to think ill of her, so i just went with it when he accepted her friend request.

i'm certainly not a cyber-stalker, but i was a little curious to know more about her, since we don't really talk about our exes that often. turns out she got married about the same time we did and went on to have a few kids. maybe seeing that got my subconscious thinking about what would have happened if B had married her, how he would have had the chance to be a father and maybe that's why i had the dream. i don't know, because i never formalized those thoughts in my head.

either way, i dreamed about her. it wasn't an unpleasant dream, just a "where did that come from?!?" kind of dream. in the dream she and i were talking. she was telling me about her family, her children, and asking me about us. she asked if we had any kids and i told her not yet. she asked why and i explained everything to her, all about our miscarriages, our fertility treatments, our longing for children. i wasn't overly dramatic or emotional. i thought i came across as pretty strong, but as i was speaking to her, i could see that familiar look come across her face, the one that says "poor you". she told me how sorry she was for me, for us. she pitied us, it was obvious.

that's where the dream ended. nothing crazy happened - i didn't claw her eyes out or anything like that. i just woke up feeling really down, kind of sad. i'm not really sure what it meant, what my subconscious was trying to tell me. maybe i have this fear that everyone who knows what we're going through feels sorry for us or thinks "glad it's not me". maybe i feel sorry for myself. maybe i subconsciously wish B had married her, since she could give him the one thing he wants most, the one thing i can't.

i try to put on a happy face and act like i radiate positivity. i try to be sincere about it. i try to be stronger than i think i am. i try so hard to be who i think i should be, who i think everyone expects me to be. i try...but sometimes i think i fall short. i exhaust myself.

i'm not depressed, so don't start worrying about me. i'm just tired. the past several months have been such an emotional roller coaster and i just need a break. this off cycle, waiting to meet with the doctor, is actually a really good idea for me. i need to recuperate and think about things that have absolutely nothing to do with infertility.
me and B: LOVE

i'm so excited for B to come home tomorrow. monday is his birthday, which we won't get to spend together, so we're going to celebrate all weekend. i have a surprise in store for him this weekend (and another that will be a little bit late for his b-day), but i'm afraid to tell you about it, because occasionally he reads my blog. so, i'll just have to blog about it on monday. in the meantime, i'm going to get some chores done, so he doesn't come home to a filthy house.

8 comments:

Maria said...

dreams are crazy!! i've found since ttc, i've had the most vivid wacky dreams!
i know what you mean...you wake up and it's hard to shake that it was just a dream...
you and your husband make a beautiful couple!
<3

Liz said...

I often wonder about my husband's ex. She just had a baby a few months ago and I have some of the same feelings as you.

You are your hubby are super cute together. Your eyes are amazing!!

Hope you are enjoying the break and finding things to keep you occupied. I agree, you are always so strong about things! Some days I'm completed amazed by your positivity when I am feeling so down about things.

Sarah said...

Dreams are insane! Its really amazing how we can dream at all. My husbands ex just had a baby girl. And to be honest, Im super jealous about it. Happy Birthday to your man! You too are adorable together! And not to be creepy but your eyes are an awesome blue! :) Enjoy your weekend together! Nothing like some compliments to lift your spirit right? ha!

mag said...

Ahhh.. I always thought I was glad to still be friends with some of my exes, but I have had to seriously reconsider that now that most of them are married and have children or are currently expecting!

Take it from a frequent dreamer - you can't think about them too much. My take is that they are continuations of things going on someplace in our brains, but they are miss-mashed together with other thoughts old and new. I have had some doozies in the last few days and I just force myself to laugh in the morning because they are so absurd.

I hope you and your hubby have a great birthday weekend. Can't wait to hear what you have planned!

Take care, xoxo

Baby Hopes said...

I've had so many crazy dreams on fertility meds it's impossible to count. Nonetheless, I can understand how such a dream would be unsettling. Nothing to worry, love, you two make such a beautiful couple. Absolutely made for each other!!!

foxy said...

oh geez! Ex's are such a bizarre thing. I've had more bizarre dreams about mine since we stated treatments. Too freaking bizarre to write about or repeat out loud. I am secretly glad that none of my two previous loves have started families. I know that I'd have a really hard time with that. (I actually wonder sometimes if maybe they are also struggling with infertility, but thats a story for another day.)

Strangely enough one of my husband's ex's made contact with him a couple years ago - she happened to be renting a room for a weekend job in the same town as us (weird) and it turns out that her husband had testicular cancer that rendered him infertile. It was especially bizarre that she could have easily responded to our room for rent, which would have been too too weird.

Your dream sounds like you were just processing the whole bit of news, thinking it over to yourself, and coming to terms with it.

For what its worth, I love my husband more than anything. I grieve his fertility and am so sad that our children won't share his genes, but it only makes me love him more. I suspect that your husband feels the same way about you.

Marianne said...

Dreams are definitely weird...but I wouldn't put too much stock into this one. I love the pic of you and B! I'm glad you're enjoying your off cycle, sometimes we need to get out of the boxing ring to take a break. Enjoy it, and I hope you and B have an awesome weekend!

Residency Widow said...

Wow that's pretty gutsy of you to add the ex. Dr. Love was engaged before but it did not end well and I don't think it would be good for either of us to willingly open up the FB window into our lives to her. But that's us, not everyone's exes are as nutty as her.

I hope you two enjoy B's birthday weekend and really live it up having fun.

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