a few months ago, B's ex-fiance (we were both engaged once before we met each other) friended us on facebook. i've never felt any sort of jealousy, competition, or animosity toward her. i don't know her and have no reason to think ill of her, so i just went with it when he accepted her friend request.
i'm certainly not a cyber-stalker, but i was a little curious to know more about her, since we don't really talk about our exes that often. turns out she got married about the same time we did and went on to have a few kids. maybe seeing that got my subconscious thinking about what would have happened if B had married her, how he would have had the chance to be a father and maybe that's why i had the dream. i don't know, because i never formalized those thoughts in my head.
either way, i dreamed about her. it wasn't an unpleasant dream, just a "where did that come from?!?" kind of dream. in the dream she and i were talking. she was telling me about her family, her children, and asking me about us. she asked if we had any kids and i told her not yet. she asked why and i explained everything to her, all about our miscarriages, our fertility treatments, our longing for children. i wasn't overly dramatic or emotional. i thought i came across as pretty strong, but as i was speaking to her, i could see that familiar look come across her face, the one that says "poor you". she told me how sorry she was for me, for us. she pitied us, it was obvious.
that's where the dream ended. nothing crazy happened - i didn't claw her eyes out or anything like that. i just woke up feeling really down, kind of sad. i'm not really sure what it meant, what my subconscious was trying to tell me. maybe i have this fear that everyone who knows what we're going through feels sorry for us or thinks "glad it's not me". maybe i feel sorry for myself. maybe i subconsciously wish B had married her, since she could give him the one thing he wants most, the one thing i can't.
i try to put on a happy face and act like i radiate positivity. i try to be sincere about it. i try to be stronger than i think i am. i try so hard to be who i think i should be, who i think everyone expects me to be. i try...but sometimes i think i fall short. i exhaust myself.
i'm not depressed, so don't start worrying about me. i'm just tired. the past several months have been such an emotional roller coaster and i just need a break. this off cycle, waiting to meet with the doctor, is actually a really good idea for me. i need to recuperate and think about things that have absolutely nothing to do with infertility.
|me and B: LOVE|
i'm so excited for B to come home tomorrow. monday is his birthday, which we won't get to spend together, so we're going to celebrate all weekend. i have a surprise in store for him this weekend (and another that will be a little bit late for his b-day), but i'm afraid to tell you about it, because occasionally he reads my blog. so, i'll just have to blog about it on monday. in the meantime, i'm going to get some chores done, so he doesn't come home to a filthy house.