Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Confessions of an Infertile Mother-to-Be
i'm going to be a mom, but i'm technically still infertile. where does that put me?
clearly, i'm feeling a little displaced these days. i'm not really sure where i fit in, whether it's in the mommy club, the preggo club, or the infertile club. well, i know i can rule out the mommy club for a couple more months, but which of the other two do i belong in? neither. it's sad, but true. i just don't quite fit into either, because i'm not pregnant, but i'm having a baby. it's a grey area that is very confusing.
it's so completely awkward to tell people that we're having a baby then have to explain that i'm not the one who's pregnant. i dread the look people give me when they hear that part, that confused, yet politely pleasant look that says "i think i'm supposed to be happy for you, but i need a moment to process this information."
i'm not at all embarrassed that we've had to go an untraditional route to have our baby, but it can be very difficult emotionally. it's hard to go register for baby gear when you're the only mom-to-be there without a baby bump. things like that kind of make me feel like an imposter at times.
the hardest part of all of this is that i don't get to feel the baby move inside me. i've felt it through her tummy several times, but i don't get that constant reminder that he's there, growing and thriving. i don't get to feel those pregnancy symptoms that can be so uncomfortable, yet so reassuring.
most of you would probably tell me that the pregnancy symptoms are overrated, that having him use your bladder as a soccer ball, the constant back pain, not being able to bend over to tie your own shoes, and all of the extra weight is not worth crying about. maybe you're right, but i still wish i was going through it.
this has been a much more difficult experience than i expected. i never stopped to consider just how emotionally taxing it would all be. i keep telling myself that i just need to focus on the positive and on my gratitude. that said, i really am so grateful that we're going to finally become parents and that someone was willing to do this for us. i love this little boy more than words can say, though i haven't even met him yet, and whether or not i carried him doesn't change the fact that i am his mother.
cleverly communicated by Carlia at 9:26 AM