Monday, February 28, 2011

Oh, the Irony!

the fourth law of infertility states that infertiles, while playing board games (ie. life, cashflow, etc.), will be the only players able to have children during the game.

 







i speak from experience. ;)

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Taking Action

i can't stand the waiting anymore! today is CD32 with no sign of O or AF. i called my nurse the day before yesterday (CD30) to tell her AF isn't coming and i'm ready to get started on the next cycle. she had me go into the office yesterday morning for blood work to see if we could get going. she called me in the afternoon to tell me that my blood work showed that i am not preggo (no surprise there) and i have not O'd recently (again, no surprise), so i was cleared to start taking the provera to bring on AF.

i popped the first tiny pill last night and it occured to me that i have had to induce AF at least 10 times since we started TTC (8.5 years ago). that's really sad...and really pathetic. i remember the good ol' days when i actually had pretty normal cycles. they were never 28 days, but they were still within the normal range, averaging around 34 days. it feels like my body has given up on me, like it's thrown in the towel. i wish i could understand what happened, why it stopped even trying. i used to know exactly when i O'd. i'd see the EWCM and right after my boobs would get really sore and i'd get a little hormontional (more sad than irritable). i realized yesterday that it's been over a year since i've had those symptoms.

i feel more certain than ever that we made the right decision to seek professional help in our baby-making attempts. there's pretty much no way we could do it on our own at this point. it would literally take a miracle. while i do believe in miracles, i just don't want to put all our eggs in that basket.

so, here's to our first try at IUI!

and by the way, as i type this, there's an overweight cat snoring right next to me. can't help but smile about that. :)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Parenting Game: Round 2

a quick reminder of how to play: i'll show you a picture and you tell us why you'd be a better parent. simple enough, right? now jump in!


i'd be a better parent than this one, because i'd give the kid an umbrella. it looks like rain.

now it's your turn!

*Insert Cricket Chirp Here*

i'm so bored! yup, you heard me. i'm bored! all i'm doing is sitting here waiting for AF to show up. can't do anything till she gets here. funny, how when you don't want to see her, she pops up, but when you need her to pay you a visit, she goes MIA. it's like some kind of cosmic joke. murphy's law in action. there we were, making tons of progress, getting all the testing done and getting positive results...then...nothing. i'm not a patient person and i've already had to wait 8 and a half years for this, but here i am...just waiting...and waiting... blah blah blah... yeah, i don't deal well with waiting. i need some entertainment. i think i'm going to have to start round 2 of the parenting game. we got a couple of great reasons last time. hopefully, we'll get a lot more this time. :)

oh, and by the way, i'm up to 30 followers! i'm pretty much awesome. ;) seriously, though, a big thanks goes out to my followers!!! i love the love! the more the merrier, ya know. (hint, hint)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Public Service Announcement

a couple of years ago, i did a post about how i hoped i caught the pregnancy bug that seemed to be running rampant around me. apparently, my sarcasm has evolved since then, because it wasn't very obvious in that post. literally hundreds of people have googled their way to that post by searching for something along the lines of "is pregnancy contagious". i have a sneaky suspicion that some people even took me seriously, like in the case of the recent comment i got on that really really old post that explained to me that it doesn't work the way i had hoped it would. ummm...thanks! i had no idea. here, i've been under the impression that if i rubbed a preggo's baby bump that i would magically sprout one, too! thanks for setting me straight. my apologies to all those preggos whose bellies i violated. ;)

just so we're all on the same page:

not contagious:
  • pregnancy
contagious:
  • yawns
  • chocolate cravings
  • cat collecting
  • dressing up your cats to take their pics
  • whistling
  • general stupidity

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Change is Good

you may have noticed my little blog make-over. i've been so dissatisfied with the way my shabby (no chic on the end of that one) site has been looking since, well...forever. it's been bugging me...really badly... especially over the past couple of weeks - no particular reason why. so, i decided i needed to put my mad adobe illustrator skills to use and give this whole place a much needed remodeling. i feel much better now! i don't even mind looking at my blog. in fact, i can't stop staring. ha! i'm pretty awesome. ;) anyway, feel free to grab my new button and pass it along. the more the merrier!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Fun with Fertiles

are you in the two week wait of misery? did you just get a BFN? need a way to cheer yourself up? here's an idea! you've been through enough uncomfortable baby showers, enough awkward conversations about why you don't have kids yet, enough holiday cards plastered with pics of your friends' kids. it's time for you to have some fun! here's what you do: put on your favorite outfit. you know, the one that makes you look totally svelte and you glow in the bask of your own beauty. go to the mall and find the most popular, most crowded maternity clothing store. walk around, as closely to each of the preggos in there as you can, all the while rubbing your flat tummy and complaining about how much weight you've gained during your pregnancy. then laugh all the way home as you remember the looks of envy and disdain you got from every preggo within earshot. now get out there and have some fun!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Sample of "Family Life"

i get asked to watch my friends' kids pretty frequently. i think they think they're doing me a favor, because since i don't have kids of my own, i must want to borrow theirs. it used to bother me. it was hard to take care of someone else's child. it make my arms literally ache for a child of my own. i'm a lot better with it these days. i'm able to focus more on the kids and their needs than my own self-pity.

last night i watched two sweet little kids for a friend of mine, so she could take her hubby to a concert as his valentine's day gift. i was worried that it would be a really late night and would make getting up for work this morning difficult, but B reminded me that we need the points. (he's convinced that every time we do something to help someone with kids -ie. babysitting, attending baby showers, etc- it moves us up a spot or two on the baby waiting list up in heaven. can't hurt!) i, in turn, reminded him that he promised to come help me.

i usually go by myself, but since i thought they were going to be out really late, i wanted him with me. i'm so glad he went, too, because i got to see him in action. we played hide-n-go-seek for a while then read books and we it came time for bedtime, we divided and conquered. i got both the kids dressed in their pj's then i brushed the preschool aged girl's teeth and he took care of the toddler aged boy's. then i tucked in the little girl while he tucked in the little boy. it was so sweet! i've always known he loves kids and i've seen him play with his nieces and nephews, but i've never seen him so father-like. it melted my heart! after the kids were asleep, we put on nanny mcphee 2 and cuddled on the couch until their parents got home (surprisingly early).

this morning i thanked him for coming with me. he brushed it off like it was no big deal (even though it really was) and said he had fun and that he liked seeing that little snap shot of what family life would be like. i hadn't thought of it that way until he said it, but it really was. it felt so natural, though. i hate to admit it, but it made me more hopeful that our treatments will work. i just can't wait for it to be our turn!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Top 10 Reasons Women with PCOS Have it Made!

since getting my diagnosis, i've been a little bummed. you never want to hear that there is something wrong with you, regardless of the fact that "it could be much worse". (if i have to hear that one more time...) i really needed to see a silver lining or two to this cloud so, in an effort to cheer myself up, and anyone else with PCOS, here's a list of the top 10 reasons why women with PCOS have it made:

10. no need to schedule things around AF, because she probably won't show up anyway.
9. since she doesn't show up, it makes you wonder if you could actually be preggo. you buy a case of HPTs and get to work. you've just done your part to help the economy!
8. acne is completely underrated! you're 35, but those zits make you look 17 again.
7. it takes the worry out of "accidental pregnancies". no need for BCP! you are your own form of contraceptive!
6. with that newly deepened voice, you can change your career to become a lounge singer. everyone loves to listen to a woman who sounds like a man.
5. sure your boobs are shrinking, but now bras are optional!
4. your efforts to get preggo lead you to an RE, AI, IUI, and even IVF. yeah, you're spending a small fortune (your life's savings), but once again, you're single-handedly fixing the economy (and learning lots of cool acronyms)!
3. that new chunk of hair that has fallen out is sure to be the latest trend. everyone wants male pattern baldness now, even women. bald is beautiful!
2. all that extra weight you're carrying may be heavy, but think of it as extra padding in case of an accident. *CRASH* look at that! your fat just saved your life!

and the number 1 reason is...

1. thanks to your new mustache and beard, you've got a new side job. you've turned your cubicle into a sideshow booth, because people will pay anything to see the bearded lady.


how's that for a silver lining?

Monday, February 14, 2011

I Heart B

love is in the air! B always says that valentine's day is for people that don't know how to show their love the other 364 days of the year. he's totally right, but i love any excuse to spoil him (and myself). he's always so good about showing me he loves me every day of the year, but i like the extra attention i get today. i don't like to make too much of a fuss, though, so i'm just going to pick up some chinese, light some candles, and cuddle on the couch with my hubby while we watch a sappy movie. boring, i know, but i like it that way.

we've kind of gotten all of the drama out of our systems. you know, the "gotta make a big production out of every little thing, whether good or bad" kind of drama. we both like it simple. we've both grown up...finally.

when i really think about it, i'm glad we've had this time to grow, individually and together. if we had gotten preggo right off the bat, it would have been wonderful, but i really don't think i would have been ready. it's taken me so long to get to this point, but i'm finally here, finally ready. with B by my side, i think we can tackle this parenting thing pretty well.

B won't admit it, but i can tell he's really got his hopes up. he's pretty much convinced that it's going to work on our first shot at the IUI. me, not so much. i'm not expecting anything to work for months, but i have to tell myself that so i don't get my hopes up. either way, hopefully, this is the last valentine's day where it's just the two of us. i'm looking forward to having a new little valentine. but for now, i'm going to go spend some time with my man!

happy valentine's day!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Let's Play a Game!

it's often hard for infertiles to see everyone around them getting pregnant and having babies, especially those who are ill-equipped (as in missing one crucial piece of the puzzle - the brain!), those who go around popping out kids left and right, only to screw up or even endanger their lives.  in honor of those parents (and to make ourselves feel a little better) let's play a round of "i'd be a better parent than..."  it's tons of fun and super easy. here's how it works: i'll post a pic and you leave a comment telling everyone why you'd be a better parent than this one (ie. create a caption). join in the fun! everyone's a winner! (except for this parent, of course.)

since it's our first time playing, i'll make it easy for everyone and even start you out with a little caption of my own.

i'd be a better parent than this one because...


i'd never waste perfectly good duct tape like that!

now, it's your turn! leave a comment with your reason why you'd be a better parent than this one.

Friday, February 11, 2011

When TTC Takes Over...



you know you care more about TTC than romance when you only shave your legs for RE appointments and procedures. (am i the only one guilty of this one?)


you know you married the right man when he doesn't mind. (he's pretty much the greatest thing since elvis.)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Taboo

i just came across this video and laughed my head off. so did B actually. (LOVE that he gets the infertility humor!)



of course, i don't mean this about any preggo in particular. oh, who am i kidding? of course, i do!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

What?!?

i know a few people who could use some infertility humor right about now. in their honor...



at least this isn't you! or is it? ;)

dream come true...please!

i really, really didn't want to wake up this morning. it's not that i didn't want the day to start or go to work. i was actually looking forward to today for no reason in particular. the problem was that i was having an awesome dream. my dreams usually aren't very vivid and i rarely even remember them, but this one...wow! call it wishful thinking or subconscious self-soothing, but i dreamed we had done our first IUI and i was at the end of the 2WW. i had decided to POAS and i got a BFP! i couldn't believe it. suddenly, my whole family was there (which took up the whole house, because there are so many of them) and i was showing it to them, while they oohed and aahed and congratulated us. i thought to myself i'd better make sure this is real, so i POAnotherS and it was positive again.
i was so excited that i used stick after stick, like a crack addict, i couldn't get enough of that high i got from seeing those two little lines. when my alarm went off in the middle of it, i rolled over, hit the button and never opened my eyes. i still thought it was real. it took me a few minutes to shake it off and come to the realization that it was just a dream. what a disappointment!
boo  reality!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Steps 9-11

step 9 - follow-up with dr T - check!

the appt. went great! we sat down and talked about all the test results. looks like i'm straddling the line on PCOS. that means i have it, but i can still ovulate on my own from time to time, which is how i was able to get preggo before. speaking of previous pregnancies, the tests that could explain the miscarriages all came back normal, so that means we aren't more likely to miscarry than anybody else. we just have really, really bad luck. anyway, long story short, all systems are go! we are just waiting for my next cycle to start then i'll go on 100mg of clomid, go in for an u/s on CD12 and trigger shot after that if my follies look good. two days later, we'll go in for the IUI. we're set to try out 3 rounds of IUI before looking into IVF, but hopefully we won't even need to go that far. EEK! i'm just so excited!!!

step 10 - genetic testing - check!

this was rather uneventful. i called the insurance company to verify that it was covered. they told me 100%, so i headed over to labcorp just before they closed, gave them a vial of blood and was on my way. we'll have the results in 2-3 weeks.

step 11 - vaccine - check!


when i had my initial blood work a couple of weeks ago, they checked all of my immunities. everything was good, except for rubella. kind of odd that i am immune to measles and mumps, but not rubella, since the three come in the same cocktail and i got the shot when i was 12. (i distinctly remember, because it was the first time i ever fainted. not sure if it was the shot itself or not, but i'll never forget it.) i had a bit of trouble tracking down a place that would give me the shot, since i'm an adult, and bill it to my insurance. the health department said they would, but it would cost me $75 (no insurance) and they wouldn't be able to give it to me till the first thursday in march. since this shot is already going to hold us back 30 days, i couldn't wait that long. i called our primary care dr., but they said he would need the test results, a letter from my RE, and they wouldn't be able to get me in for a week or two. then i turned to urgent care clinics. the first i called said it would cost $100, they wouldn't bill my insurance, and they didn't have the MMR in stock. i called a couple other places before i finally called a place a couple of towns over that said yes to everything. i headed on over, checked in, and waited...and waited...and waited... after over an hour, they called me back and told me that they had the shot, but no sterile water to dilute it from its powder form. are you kidding me?!? they called over to one of their other clinics to see if they had any sterile water. luckily, they did. i was just about to head over there when the dr asked the nurse to double check with them that they had the shot. of course they didn't! this was starting to feel like a sitcom. i actually laughed as i drove away with my file of paperwork and the rubella cocktail mix. carlia's courier service to the rescue! anyway, after much waiting and even more driving, i finally got my shot.

next step: making a baby! now, where is AF?

Friday, February 4, 2011

Step 8

step 8 - HSG - check!

aside from picturing myself getting kicked in the gut by a horse (thanks, maddy! ha ha!), everyone's comments really helped. thanks! that combined with the fact that i was only half awake, i was pretty calm as i went into my appointment. B offered to go with me, so that i wouldn't have to drive myself home and because he knew that his being there would help put my mind at ease. i was so grateful to have him there to share the good news that everything looked perfect!

here's how it went: dr. T was there, which was a pleasant surprise. she was awesome! she talked me through the procedure, which went smoothly, except for the discovery that i have a bit of scar tissue from my D&C in 2004. it posed a slight problem, but after a few minutes, we were well underway. after it was finished, dr. T showed me the video (i couldn't see the screen too well during the procedure) and even paused it here and there to show me how great everything looked. i admit that it did hurt a bit, especially when she was having difficulty with the catheter, but it was over quickly and i haven't had any cramping at all. yay! what a relief it is to have that done! and an even bigger relief that it went so well!!!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

HSG-aphobia

hello, my name is carlia and i'm an HSG-aphobic.

tomorrow morning is my HSG. i know i should have had this done years ago, but finances being what they were prevented that. now i'm stuck with the guilt from not having it done already and the fear of the unknown. i'm actually terrified of having this done. i understand the basic concept of what they'll be doing, but i'm a big wuss when it comes to pain and i've heard some people talk about how excruciating it was. i'm fighting back the urge to google it, because i'm sure i'll find about a thousand horror stories that will just confirm my fears. so, until it's over, i'll just have to find my happy place.
(i grew up on a small ranch in central texas and this is almost identical to the view from my back porch)

for the sake of my sanity, please tell me that you had at least an okay experience during your HSG!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Moolah!

i love this time of year. spring is on the horizon... the year still holds the promise of what may be... the government gives us some of our money back... yup, definitely my favorite time of year.

B took care of our taxes this week and with me being a full time student all last year, we are getting a nice chunk of change back. YAY! the only problem is, we're having a bit of a debate over what to do with it. of course, we'll use a good bit for debt (luckily we don't have much), but the rest is unspoken for and even though it's not here yet, it's already burning a hole in B's pocket. he wants to book 2 trips, one to visit his family and one to visit mine. i love our families and would love to see them, but i'm feeling a bit stubborn and sore about the fact that we are always the ones to go to visit. they never come see us. i just want to dig in my heels and say no! it's your turn! and, truth be told, i'm hoping that we'll have a much better use for the money (think pink or blue) later this year. i just want to put it into savings and have it when we need it. oh, and think of the interest we'll earn on it being in our savings account.
hmmm...we might even be able to use it to go on a babymoon when the time comes. isn't my idea so much better than his? ;)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Bitter Betty

every now and then you need a day to vent.  today is that day.

pregnancy is a beautiful thing. pregnancy envy is not.

i'm usually pretty cool about the fact that everyone around me is procreating. i'm especially okay when it's someone i know well (or am related to). i'm even okay when it's someone much younger than me, but today it really got to me.

you know that girl in the office, the one who seems to have it all together, always dressed to the nines, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect life? every office has one. (it may be you and you don't even know it!) well, she's pregnant.  she just announced it a few weeks ago and i've been totally fine with it. not that i know her well. actually, i don't know her at all. i don't think we've said more than 10 words to each other. it's not that i don't like her. i have nothing against her. she's just in a different department, so we don't interact very much. well, today she sent an interoffice email and below her signature there it was. the affront to infertiles everywhere...the clipart of a bottle and pacifier. the pregnancy flag was being waved. right in my face. it stuck out like a sore thumb. it was all i could see. i have no idea what the rest of the email said, because after staring at that for a while (longer than i care to admit to) i deleted the darn thing.

it just seems like i keep seeing that flag everywhere i look. preggo women seem to congregate at the grocery store whenever i go in there. they flaunt their perfect bellies in skin tight shirts, as if we couldn't tell they're pregnant without that. everyone's blog is plastered with ultrasound pics. and don't even get me started on facebook. it's amazing the things people will post on there. why would anyone use a pic of the stick they just peed on as their profile pic? ummm, gross!
how about we make a deal? i won't post any pics of things i've peed on if you won't either. deal!
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