i've been making preparations to go back to work. i lined up my childcare. i confirmed my date to start back at work. i added to my work wardrobe. i did everything...except prepare myself for the thought of leaving my child.
sad didn't even begin to cover it. i was sobbing hysterically every time i thought about it. i just kept thinking about how long we've waited to have mack in our arms - 9 and a half years. it feels so wrong to finally bring him home, only to pass him off to someone else. it killed me thinking about missing even a single smile. or what if i missed a milestone??? that's something i could never get back and the thought alone kills me.
technically, i don't need to work. i love my job. it's exactly what i was aspiring to do and it's a wonderful environment. i've really just worked there because it provided us with some financial cushioning, helped me feel productive, and gave us incredible health insurance (IVF for free!).
the plan was to go back to work march 1st and hurry up to get going on a round of IVF. we really want to have two kids, so the sooner #2 got here, the sooner i could just be a stay-at-home mom. it got me thinking, though...would rushing to have #2 seem ungrateful for #1, especially after all we went through to have him? would we be depriving him of our attention, or giving him the impression that he isn't enough?
i've weighed my options and the only decision that feels right is for me to give up my job (and my benefits) to stay home with mack. he needs me and i need him. i know myself and i know that i wouldn't be able to function at work for missing him. my mind would be wrapped up in wondering how he's doing, if he got a good nap, if he ate on time, if he was getting enough attention... i would be a wreck, plain and simple.
as you guessed it, i quit my job. well, i didn't really quit, because technically i'll still be on the payroll as a substitute in our department, so they can still use my photography services at events. i won't have my benefits anymore, but B gets insurance through his job, so we'll be covered. our fertility treatments won't, though. it's a big sacrifice, but i have faith that if we're meant to have more children, a way will be provided.
i'm hoping that the cost of COBRA will be low enough that we can keep my insurance for a while, so that we can still do a round or two of IVF. if not, i'm okay with that.
i can honestly say that i feel complete. if we never have another child, it's going to be okay, because mack truly is enough for me. i feel so good about this decision and i'm so grateful that B is on the same page and is so supportive of this. i am just so excited about the future and about this next chapter in our lives!