Thursday, September 27, 2012

And That Makes 5

while we're on the subject of infertility, and not to negate my last post about being perfectly content with my lot in life...

the hits keep on coming. it seems like life is a bit topsy-turvy lately, with extreme highs and lows. it's almost as if each bit of good news is followed by tremendously bad news, rather cyclically, trapped on the hamster wheel.

we weren't "trying". we weren't preventing, either, but we certainly weren't "trying", which is why it came as such a surprise, but pregnancy #5 ended before i'd even known it had arrived.

one of the many faces of infertility
how did i not know, you ask? well, with having PCOS, i don't have regular cycles and i haven't had a ton of pregnancy symptoms. the only ones that come to mind are an overactive bladder and fatigue. how did i figure it out? i've had enough miscarriages to recognize that particular type of pain. when it started, i knew, i just knew. at this point it was just pain, no other signs of a miscarriage, so i had a sliver of hope when i took the pregnancy test and got a faint positive, even though something didn't feel right.

of course i was sad and disappointed when the doctor confirmed that i was miscarrying, but, oddly enough, i felt this overwhelming sense of peace. i hadn't known i was pregnant, so i hadn't had time to get attached, which is a blessing in disguise. i just felt a renewed sense of hope that i can get pregnant without fertility treatments. i just wish my doctors could figure out why my body rejects every pregnancy.

more than anything, this experience has reiterated the fact that mack is a "miracle baby". so, after all of this, i hold him a little longer, hug him a little tighter, and kiss him a bit too much. luckily, he doesn't seem to mind.

24 comments:

Jen said...

Oh sweetie, so sorry.

Stephanie said...

Oh hun, I'm sorry to read this. I'm glad to hear you have a sense of peace with everything, and do give that sweet boy of yours an extra squeeze. Thinking about you!

SLESE1014 said...

I am so sorry....hold fast to your miracle boy. I'm sending hugs....

Heather said...

(hugs). I'm so sorry, Carlia.

SarahJane Miller said...

You are a very strong woman. Thinking of you.

Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse said...

I'm so sorry, Carlia. Even though you didn't know before you felt the miscarriage starting, I'm sure it's still painful to think of what started and what could have been. I hope that feeling of peace and hope stays with you and that Mack has some extra kisses for you, too, in these days to come.

allthesunforyou said...

You can never kiss Mack too much :)

I'm sorry that this happened to you again.

Ashley at flats to flip flops said...

Thinking of you. Definitely makes you squeeze your kids a little tighter.
Ashley

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

I am so sorry to hear this!

Kayla and Joshua said...

aww, well i'm glad you took it okay because it's not easy. also i LOVE your dark hair!

Bridget said...

I'm so sorry to hear this :( Hang in there sweetie.

infertile-thoughts said...

Oh, I am so, so sorry. Just so sorry.

Rachel @lifeasMrs said...

thank you so much for sharing all of this. My husband and I just found out his count is extremely low, so we've started the process for AI. He started his injections this past weekend, and I'll start Clomid in a couple months..These kind of stories or information is so helpful.

Tiffany said...

So sorry. :o( Miscarrying is just a hard thing to go through. Remember God has a plan and a purpose for everything!

Shannon said...

So extremely sorry to hear. {Hugs}

Fiona aka DRMama said...

I am so very sorry to hear this, Carlia! :( Give that little boy of yours all the extra hugs and kisses he can handle. He deserves every one of them and you deserve all his sweet cuddles right back. *hugs*

Liz said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that again. Good thing you have awesome little Mack to snuggle up to!! Take care of yourself.

J o s e y said...

Ugh, my heart just dropped when I read this, Carlia. What a mixed bag of emotions, like you said. Amazing that you were able to conceive on your own with PCOS (yay!!) but how gut wrenching to have to deal with yet another m/c. :( So thankful you have Mack to cuddle with today.

Sarah said...

Ohhhh :( I'm so sorry :( Have you ever been tested for NK cells? A friend of mine has had many miscarriages and they diagnosed her with that. This is after they had their boy through IVF. And now they just adopted a baby girl :) Anyways, my heart hurts for you! Give Mack some extra cuddles today.

Maria said...

I am so sorry, Carlia. It is such an emotional roller coaster. You handle it all with such strength...I truly admire you and wish you much more peace.
You're in my thoughts and prayers every day!
Big hugs! Take it easy and hug and kiss your beautiful boy as much as you desire!
Xoxox
Maria

drunnermom said...

I'm here if you need anything!!!

Nate and Lori said...

Oh my heart is broken for you! Why does it have to be so hard? I have hope for you guys that somehow it will work out eventually. So glad you have Mack.

Andrea said...

This made me so sad to read this :( I'm so sorry this happened to you again. Sending big hugs...

Shannon said...

so sorry to hear, stay strong xo

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