Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Decisions, Decisions

i've been making preparations to go back to work. i lined up my childcare. i confirmed my date to start back at work. i added to my work wardrobe. i did everything...except prepare myself for the thought of leaving my child.

sad didn't even begin to cover it. i was sobbing hysterically every time i thought about it. i just kept thinking about how long we've waited to have mack in our arms - 9 and a half years. it feels so wrong to finally bring him home, only to pass him off to someone else. it killed me thinking about missing even a single smile. or what if i missed a milestone??? that's something i could never get back and the thought alone kills me.

technically, i don't need to work. i love my job. it's exactly what i was aspiring to do and it's a wonderful environment. i've really just worked there because it provided us with some financial cushioning, helped me feel productive, and gave us incredible health insurance (IVF for free!).

the plan was to go back to work march 1st and hurry up to get going on a round of IVF. we really want to have two kids, so the sooner #2 got here, the sooner i could just be a stay-at-home mom. it got me thinking, though...would rushing to have #2 seem ungrateful for #1, especially after all we went through to have him? would we be depriving him of our attention, or giving him the impression that he isn't enough?

i've weighed my options and the only decision that feels right is for me to give up my job (and my benefits) to stay home with mack. he needs me and i need him. i know myself and i know that i wouldn't be able to function at work for missing him. my mind would be wrapped up in wondering how he's doing, if he got a good nap, if he ate on time, if he was getting enough attention... i would be a wreck, plain and simple.

as you guessed it, i quit my job. well, i didn't really quit, because technically i'll still be on the payroll as a substitute in our department, so they can still use my photography services at events. i won't have my benefits anymore, but B gets insurance through his job, so we'll be covered. our fertility treatments won't, though. it's a big sacrifice, but i have faith that if we're meant to have more children, a way will be provided.

i'm hoping that the cost of COBRA will be low enough that we can keep my insurance for a while, so that we can still do a round or two of IVF. if not, i'm okay with that.

i can honestly say that i feel complete. if we never have another child, it's going to be okay, because mack truly is enough for me. i feel so good about this decision and i'm so grateful that B is on the same page and is so supportive of this. i am just so excited about the future and about this next chapter in our lives!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Texas, Our Texas!

for those of you who are not fortunate enough to be from texas ;), that is the name of our official state song. and, yes, it is awesome, just like my home state. :)

anyway, that's where we've been, in texas visiting my family. so fun!

it was mack's first time to meet most of the family and he was quite the celebrity.

pa pa loved cuddling with him and rocking him. it reminded me of how he used to rock us and sing "you are my sunshine" when we were little. i loved watching them together, especially when they both fell asleep.

ga ga was such a huge help to me. she watched him for me while i did photo shoots for my sisters, as well as when several of us girls got together for pedicures. so fun!

here are a couple of my favorite pics from the shoots:
my sister, petey
my niece, elle

it was so great to be together as a family for this trip, since B was able to fly down from RI to go with us. he was great, stepping in to help with everything during the flight down there.

mack in B's lap
the highlight of the trip had to have been that first night there and, yes, it involved B. we had been at my parents' house for about an hour and mack, having just finished a bottle, was quite content - perfect for passing him around to adoring aunts and uncles. when he made his way back to B, i suggested he go ahead and change his diaper. he didn't mind a bit; he loves his fatherly duties. he gathered mack's things and took him into another room. about 2 minutes later i heard my name being called in a panicked tone. i ran in to find B with one hand holding mack's feet up into the air and the other hand covered in poop holding poop-filled clothes out to me and mack was lying on a changing pad with poop smeared all the way up his back, up into his hair, and even in his armpits. how does one get poop in their armpits...and how did so many people hold him without noticing?!? anyway, the look on B's face was priceless, somewhere between a smile and a grimace. i bagged the clothes, grabbed the kid, hosed him off in the bathroom, and gave him a good scrubbing. we all had a good laugh about that one. :)

i don't ever want to forget these little moments, even the ones that seem like disasters.

we had such a wonderful time and mack was a dream baby the whole trip! i loved seeing my family and miss them already.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Semi-Single Parenting

three weeks since my last post?!? there's really no excuse. the worst of it, though, is that it's been that long since i've even read (let alone comment on) other blogs or even logged onto facebook. where does the time go???

i could blame it all on the fact that B is only able to be a weekend father, since he's been back in RI since mack was a week old, not to mention the fact that his contract up there has been extended past the year mark, but i won't. all it really boils down to is a lack of time management.

you see, between all the feedings, diaper changes, laundry, and other baby-related duties, i've been working on tons (lots of baby photo shoots, designed mack's birth announcement, made mack's bedding, made some fun things to hang in the nursery, made my own headboard, currently working on throw pillows, revamping lamps & an old book shelf) of projects, most of which i'll be turning into how-to posts on here. (do y'all mind that i've decided to make my crafting a bigger part of my blog?)

but how is it really going here, is probably what you're wondering. it's amazing! i'm a little bit sleep deprived, a little starved for company, a little bit up to my ears in diapers, a little neglectful of my looks at the moment (i'm talking ponytails every day - yuk!), and a lot in love.

i'm not going to lie, parenting is tough and parenting mostly on your own is even tougher. i have such admiration for women who are forced to do it all on their own, especially all those military wives whose husbands aren't able to come home on the weekends like mine does, who face that mountain of diapers and that daunting feeding schedule all by themselves on a daily basis.

i long for the weekends with B, which is when i get the most done. having someone to take a turn changing a diaper, giving mack a bottle, waking up for the 5am feeding, and holding him when he insists on napping in your arms frees up so much time and gives me just enough rest to help rejuvenate me for the coming week. i can't wait for B to be home full time again.

i just really need to figure out this whole time management thing. i've got to learn how to accomplish it all and still fit my social networking in. any tips?

and since you lasted through all of that droning on, you've earned a picture of mack!

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